I've been living the dream: the dream of every overweight person who is in denial about being overweight. Today I woke up from the dream to realize that all of the progress I made is slipping away pound by pound. I keep thinking as long as I don't go over THIS number it will be ok. Then when that goes out the window as long as I don't go over THIS number I will still be ok. It's not ok.
Since October it has been a food eating free for all. The sad reality is that I DO have an addiction to food. When most people know that they've eaten enough I keep going. My body and my brain just can't seem to stop.
I've justified it in every way imaginable. I don't LOOK that fat, I only FEEL fat because I just ate a bag of chips it will probably only amount to 1/2 lb, it's only 5lbs, it's only 10lbs, when I die is anyone going to care that I obsessed about every calorie, is anyone going to say that I looked SO much better 25lbs lighter, live life.... I've made every fucking denial riddled excuse you can think of and I'm clean out of excuses at this point. I've reached the bottom and the message at the bottom is that I've become lazy.
Anyone who knows me wouldn't call me lazy because I'm always doing something. I'm usually doing something for someone else. I think it must be part of my subconscious going back to my childhood where I was told I would never amount to anything and that I was useless but in the same breath expected to be this genius, beautiful kid. Turns out.... I was probably a very big disappointment to my family and myself.
So what do we do now? We get back on the horse and ride again. I'm not getting any younger. My hair is gray, botox might be in my near future and none of my clothes fit. I'm in a pretty big funk right now. My plan is to start a workout tonight and weigh in and take some photos to track my progress. I've started a vlog, which is a first for me, more for myself than anything. I'll post it up once it's complete for anyone who wants to listen to me ramble.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Macho's story: You can't save them all but you can save one
When I first saw you my neighbor and fellow volunteer was walking you. You seemed small enough but proved to be too much for her so we traded dogs. I took you into the play area and turned you loose. You ran and ran and ran some more. I tried to get you to interact with me and all you wanted to do was jump in my face and bite at me. You weren't mean, just annoying. VERY. ANNOYING. You never stopped the whole time we were out there. You were impossible to leash and resembled the Tasmanian devil. I labeled you " crazy" and "stupid" because you didn't listen to anything I said to you. I took you back to your kennel and told my friends that no one would ever adopt you. Even I wouldn't want you. You had been there since September so obviously no one else wanted you either. You were unadoptable.... why bother?
Much to my surprise a few days later you were gone. I was told your owner came for you. THANK GOODNESS I thought to myself. They must know something great about you because I didn't see it.
I didn't give you another thought. On my next visit to the shelter I asked the staff if there was anyone new I needed to see. "No" was the reply "but the annoying weird eyed dog was brought back". Sigh. This time you were in the puppy room in a tiny kennel. I walked some dogs, I did not walk you. I never walked you again even though I saw you looking at me through the bars of your tiny cage.
I came and went several times and you were always there. Your annoying face barking barking barking. Every time I said no one will ever adopt this crazy dog. That was the consensus.
You were labeled as a pit bull which was just another road block to someone wanting you. Who wants a tiny, crazy pit bull? No one. You were also labeled as "not dog friendly". Great! You're crazy, hate other dogs and is labeled as a pit. I'm sure I'll have people lining up for you. I'm not convinced that's what you are so I start asking some other folks. Some say you look like a pit, some say you look like a bull dog some say you look like a Boston Terrier. The general consensus is that you most likely a Boston terrier mix of some sort. {DNA test results confirm you are 100% Staffordshire Bull Terrier}You have some traits and characteristics of that breed. The shelter is full and you need out.
I started emailing rescues all over trying to see if by chance some special person might take you. I asked the shelter to take your photo since I didn't have any. This is what I got. I emailed this to probably 20 rescues. The shelter was ECSTATIC when I tell them that I have a taker for you in Pennsylvania.
One very nice lady says they will take you into their rescue. Against my better judgment I decided to bring you to my home because I know you will soon be someone else's problem. I wanted to try to work with you a little so it wouldn't be so hard for the nice lady.
I took you to Jacks pets on the first day and I bought you a gentle leader. You could not walk on leash like a gentleman so the LEAST I could do would be to teach you that. The girls in the store helped me put it on you even though you acted like a giant, crazy asshole in the store. I hated you.
I brought you home and you acted like a psycho. I walked around my neighborhood with you in the freezing cold for hours with that damn gentle leader trying to get you to walk without going nuts. You got slightly better.
We came to the house and I brought you into the back yard and turned you loose. You ran and ran and ran and ran. I could see how happy you were to just be free of your confinements. I think you ran around for well over an hour. In the rare moments you were sitting still I tried to pet you without you cramming my hands in your mouth or jumping in my face. That was mostly unsuccessful You were a mess and I still hated you.
You were very interested in my dogs who you could see through the back door so I brought out Brutus to see if you would maybe like each other.
I think you played and rough housed for 2 hours outside that day. Long after Brutus was tired you were still ready to go. You did stand still long enough for me to take a few better photos of you so that I could try to get you out of my house. I told you "NO BITES" every time you would try to nip at me and it seemed to be working except for when you were really excited. I still hated you.
When my husband came home and saw you he made it very clear that you were insane and not to even THINK about asking to keep you. I get attached to the foster dogs but not you.... clearly I hated you. You slept in your kennel in the garage that night. I did give you blanket, a pillow and a toy in case you got bored. I didn't want you eating the crate! You cried a little, I thought mostly because you were annoying. We covered you with a blanket and turned off the light and prayed that you would just freaking sleep since we had never seen you sit still.
The next morning I let you out before work so you could run off some energy. When I let you back in I forgot to pick the food bowl up and you growled at Brutus. You must be food aggressive.... gggrreat.
My husband called me to say that you were still nuts and he tried to take you for a "walk" around the neighborhood and you sucked. He had your gentle leader on wrong and you hate it anyway. It was not a good experience.
We had friends over playing darts in the garage. Everyone had left. It's heated in the garage because even though you sucked we wanted you to be comfortable and feel safe at least until you left. I decided to get you out of your crate and see how you did. Turns out you love treats. You did try to nip at me and jump in my face but you now listened a little better. You know sit and down... who freaking knew? I was able to pet you without you trying to chew my hand off. There may be hope for you yet.
After an hour or so I was tired. You on the other hand were ready to go. I sat down in a chair and put my head in my hands and though to myself "how is this dog ever going to get adopted? This rescue is going to pull their hair out with him". Much to my surprise you jumped in my lap and laid down. As I looked at you I thought no one who has ever met you would believe this. I took a video and I posted it on Facebook and when I watched it I realized that you weren't a bad dog and I didn't hate you.... at all.
Something in you changed that moment or maybe it was me but I realized that you were a good dog. You just needed the right environment.
I felt terrible and I've cried (I'm crying now) thinking of all the times I saw you in your tiny kennel FOR MONTHS and didn't walk you because you were bad or annoying. You looked at me just pleading that someone please notice you and let you out. I didn't. Those images in my head will forever haunt me and change the way I think of dogs who are caged. It's heart wrenching and I hate myself a little more every time I think about it. I didn't help you when you were clearly pleading for someone to notice and my whole purpose for being there was to make a difference in a dogs life.
I bought you a name tag in case you got lost. It only said "I'm a foster" with my address on it but at least you belonged somewhere to someone even if just in that tiny way.
The next day we took you to doggie day care with our own dog. You were GREAT. You liked all the dogs and played hard.
When you came home that night you were EXHAUSTED. I let you in the house against my better judgement and you ran right for the couch where you burrowed into a blanket and went to sleep. I couldn't believe that you weren't tearing through the house like a crazy animal. When I sat on the couch you came right over and snuggled with me. I think at that point I started to love you. It was a good day for you and for me.
We still had plans to transport you to Pennsylvania on Saturday and when that fell through I even arranged a local meet and greet with a family for you. They never called me to set up a time after I told them that you weren't the perfect dog. You needed leash work and a big playmate and a dedicated owner who would exercise you.
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Slowly you were growing on us. You were content to play in the backyard and chill on your pillow in the basement or garage or wherever we put it. You slept in bed and loved it. You snort like a pig when you get excited and you snore as bad as my husband.
Today we took you to Jacks pets and bought you a coat, we gave you a bath and we laughed at you for being so silly in the car.
Macho you love car rides, snuggling, toys, running and playing. You are FAST and would make an excellent trick Frisbee dog. You are silly and you snort A LOT. You get really excited when people pay attention to you. I can only assume because you lacked that for the last 2 years. You aren't a bad dog, not even one bit. You just needed someone who understands you. I will work with you on your nipping habit and the jumping but I won't judge you for it. It's not your fault because no one taught you. I don't know if you will stay with us forever yet. There may be a more perfect home out there. Until we find that you can call this home. I hope you always feel safe here, loved and well exercised. I'm sorry for doubting you and I'm glad we got the chance to know you.
If anyone out there thinks that shelter dogs are damaged you are right. PEOPLE do these things to dogs. Shelters and confinements make dogs nuts. I'm glad I took a chance on Macho and hope that this inspires you do to do the same. Please share this with your friends. I know it's a long read but not as long as Macho sat in a tiny kennel going nuts waiting for someone to notice.
Much to my surprise a few days later you were gone. I was told your owner came for you. THANK GOODNESS I thought to myself. They must know something great about you because I didn't see it.
I didn't give you another thought. On my next visit to the shelter I asked the staff if there was anyone new I needed to see. "No" was the reply "but the annoying weird eyed dog was brought back". Sigh. This time you were in the puppy room in a tiny kennel. I walked some dogs, I did not walk you. I never walked you again even though I saw you looking at me through the bars of your tiny cage.
I came and went several times and you were always there. Your annoying face barking barking barking. Every time I said no one will ever adopt this crazy dog. That was the consensus.
You were labeled as a pit bull which was just another road block to someone wanting you. Who wants a tiny, crazy pit bull? No one. You were also labeled as "not dog friendly". Great! You're crazy, hate other dogs and is labeled as a pit. I'm sure I'll have people lining up for you. I'm not convinced that's what you are so I start asking some other folks. Some say you look like a pit, some say you look like a bull dog some say you look like a Boston Terrier. The general consensus is that you most likely a Boston terrier mix of some sort. {DNA test results confirm you are 100% Staffordshire Bull Terrier}You have some traits and characteristics of that breed. The shelter is full and you need out.
I started emailing rescues all over trying to see if by chance some special person might take you. I asked the shelter to take your photo since I didn't have any. This is what I got. I emailed this to probably 20 rescues. The shelter was ECSTATIC when I tell them that I have a taker for you in Pennsylvania.
I took you to Jacks pets on the first day and I bought you a gentle leader. You could not walk on leash like a gentleman so the LEAST I could do would be to teach you that. The girls in the store helped me put it on you even though you acted like a giant, crazy asshole in the store. I hated you.
I brought you home and you acted like a psycho. I walked around my neighborhood with you in the freezing cold for hours with that damn gentle leader trying to get you to walk without going nuts. You got slightly better.
We came to the house and I brought you into the back yard and turned you loose. You ran and ran and ran and ran. I could see how happy you were to just be free of your confinements. I think you ran around for well over an hour. In the rare moments you were sitting still I tried to pet you without you cramming my hands in your mouth or jumping in my face. That was mostly unsuccessful You were a mess and I still hated you.
You were very interested in my dogs who you could see through the back door so I brought out Brutus to see if you would maybe like each other.
Much to my surprise you love him.
I think you played and rough housed for 2 hours outside that day. Long after Brutus was tired you were still ready to go. You did stand still long enough for me to take a few better photos of you so that I could try to get you out of my house. I told you "NO BITES" every time you would try to nip at me and it seemed to be working except for when you were really excited. I still hated you.
When my husband came home and saw you he made it very clear that you were insane and not to even THINK about asking to keep you. I get attached to the foster dogs but not you.... clearly I hated you. You slept in your kennel in the garage that night. I did give you blanket, a pillow and a toy in case you got bored. I didn't want you eating the crate! You cried a little, I thought mostly because you were annoying. We covered you with a blanket and turned off the light and prayed that you would just freaking sleep since we had never seen you sit still.
The next morning I let you out before work so you could run off some energy. When I let you back in I forgot to pick the food bowl up and you growled at Brutus. You must be food aggressive.... gggrreat.
My husband called me to say that you were still nuts and he tried to take you for a "walk" around the neighborhood and you sucked. He had your gentle leader on wrong and you hate it anyway. It was not a good experience.
We had friends over playing darts in the garage. Everyone had left. It's heated in the garage because even though you sucked we wanted you to be comfortable and feel safe at least until you left. I decided to get you out of your crate and see how you did. Turns out you love treats. You did try to nip at me and jump in my face but you now listened a little better. You know sit and down... who freaking knew? I was able to pet you without you trying to chew my hand off. There may be hope for you yet.
After an hour or so I was tired. You on the other hand were ready to go. I sat down in a chair and put my head in my hands and though to myself "how is this dog ever going to get adopted? This rescue is going to pull their hair out with him". Much to my surprise you jumped in my lap and laid down. As I looked at you I thought no one who has ever met you would believe this. I took a video and I posted it on Facebook and when I watched it I realized that you weren't a bad dog and I didn't hate you.... at all.
In this moment I realized that you just needed SOMEONE to understand you.
Something in you changed that moment or maybe it was me but I realized that you were a good dog. You just needed the right environment.
I felt terrible and I've cried (I'm crying now) thinking of all the times I saw you in your tiny kennel FOR MONTHS and didn't walk you because you were bad or annoying. You looked at me just pleading that someone please notice you and let you out. I didn't. Those images in my head will forever haunt me and change the way I think of dogs who are caged. It's heart wrenching and I hate myself a little more every time I think about it. I didn't help you when you were clearly pleading for someone to notice and my whole purpose for being there was to make a difference in a dogs life.
I bought you a name tag in case you got lost. It only said "I'm a foster" with my address on it but at least you belonged somewhere to someone even if just in that tiny way.
The next day we took you to doggie day care with our own dog. You were GREAT. You liked all the dogs and played hard.
You waited patiently for the shuttle to take you there.
You loved ALL the doggies!
When you came home that night you were EXHAUSTED. I let you in the house against my better judgement and you ran right for the couch where you burrowed into a blanket and went to sleep. I couldn't believe that you weren't tearing through the house like a crazy animal. When I sat on the couch you came right over and snuggled with me. I think at that point I started to love you. It was a good day for you and for me.
We still had plans to transport you to Pennsylvania on Saturday and when that fell through I even arranged a local meet and greet with a family for you. They never called me to set up a time after I told them that you weren't the perfect dog. You needed leash work and a big playmate and a dedicated owner who would exercise you.
This was the first time I'd seen you sleep peacefully. A friend told me this was likely the most restful sleep you've had in months.
Slowly you were growing on us. You were content to play in the backyard and chill on your pillow in the basement or garage or wherever we put it. You slept in bed and loved it. You snort like a pig when you get excited and you snore as bad as my husband.
Today we took you to Jacks pets and bought you a coat, we gave you a bath and we laughed at you for being so silly in the car.
Macho you love car rides, snuggling, toys, running and playing. You are FAST and would make an excellent trick Frisbee dog. You are silly and you snort A LOT. You get really excited when people pay attention to you. I can only assume because you lacked that for the last 2 years. You aren't a bad dog, not even one bit. You just needed someone who understands you. I will work with you on your nipping habit and the jumping but I won't judge you for it. It's not your fault because no one taught you. I don't know if you will stay with us forever yet. There may be a more perfect home out there. Until we find that you can call this home. I hope you always feel safe here, loved and well exercised. I'm sorry for doubting you and I'm glad we got the chance to know you.
If anyone out there thinks that shelter dogs are damaged you are right. PEOPLE do these things to dogs. Shelters and confinements make dogs nuts. I'm glad I took a chance on Macho and hope that this inspires you do to do the same. Please share this with your friends. I know it's a long read but not as long as Macho sat in a tiny kennel going nuts waiting for someone to notice.
I noticed.
Macho, who will remain named that, and I sleeping on the couch. <3
UPDATE!
Macho is living the life I wish for all shelter dogs. He loves his doggie brother, has learned not to mouth everyone he meets and also can be trusted off leash. He loves kid and I take him wherever I can because I want him to experience as much as his little dog heart can handle! Our 10 year old pit passed away in March and I'm not sure how I would have made it without Macho. He was sent at the right time. I guess it was meant to be.
UPDATE!
Macho is living the life I wish for all shelter dogs. He loves his doggie brother, has learned not to mouth everyone he meets and also can be trusted off leash. He loves kid and I take him wherever I can because I want him to experience as much as his little dog heart can handle! Our 10 year old pit passed away in March and I'm not sure how I would have made it without Macho. He was sent at the right time. I guess it was meant to be.
We hike
I was sick for WEEKS and he was my constant companion.
Top off jeep riding
#macholife
@macho.life
Friday, October 17, 2014
I'm a bipolar narcissist
Well technically I'm neither but some days I wonder why my brain works the way it does. I see all of the inspirational memes about being yourself and loving you for you and not your size. I can't get behind it. I know I SHOULD but I can't. There are some days that I feel amazing about myself. I volunteer, I donate, I think I look great, I care about shit and then there are days where the only thing I care about is me.
I had a conversation with one of my very best friends about how I feel like I'm not a good person. She asked me why I felt that way because others around me don't feel like that. I tried to think of reasons and I came up with a few; parenting, ex boyfriend who convinced me that I was quite possibly THE WORST PERSON EVER on the face of the planet. I believed him. I hated myself more then than I ever have in my life. WHY did I let someone tell me that about myself? Did I do the same to them? Am I really a bad person?
I am a narcissist of sorts. There are some days I look in the mirror and think damn girl you keep getting better with age. I'm proud of how I "maintain" myself and I want my husband to be proud to be seen with me. Then there are other days when I think to myself that I'm not kidding anyone with all the makeup I wear and that people can see that I'm just a 30 something no one trying to impress someone. I don't even know who that "someone" is. Must be all of you.
I have had people tell me that I look great, I'm beautiful and that I'm lucky. Let me just step up to tell you that makeup can make anyone look great. I don't roll out of bed and look photo ready.... that shit takes time and effort. Then I feel vain for wanting to look good.
I think I'm my harshest critic. I have a photographic eye which can be judgy. You have to notice details when you are photographing someone other wise you'll end up with a bunch of poorly lit, wrong angled photos. I pick and tear myself apart and when everyone else is saying how great I look all I can see are the negative things about my physical body. Laugh lines, crows feet, big teeth, flabby arms, not flat stomach (that shit hasn't been flat since 1997 you would think I'd be over it by now).
Maybe one day I'll realize that it isn't what is on the outside that matters but for now let me reapply my lip gloss.
I had a conversation with one of my very best friends about how I feel like I'm not a good person. She asked me why I felt that way because others around me don't feel like that. I tried to think of reasons and I came up with a few; parenting, ex boyfriend who convinced me that I was quite possibly THE WORST PERSON EVER on the face of the planet. I believed him. I hated myself more then than I ever have in my life. WHY did I let someone tell me that about myself? Did I do the same to them? Am I really a bad person?
I am a narcissist of sorts. There are some days I look in the mirror and think damn girl you keep getting better with age. I'm proud of how I "maintain" myself and I want my husband to be proud to be seen with me. Then there are other days when I think to myself that I'm not kidding anyone with all the makeup I wear and that people can see that I'm just a 30 something no one trying to impress someone. I don't even know who that "someone" is. Must be all of you.
I have had people tell me that I look great, I'm beautiful and that I'm lucky. Let me just step up to tell you that makeup can make anyone look great. I don't roll out of bed and look photo ready.... that shit takes time and effort. Then I feel vain for wanting to look good.
I think I'm my harshest critic. I have a photographic eye which can be judgy. You have to notice details when you are photographing someone other wise you'll end up with a bunch of poorly lit, wrong angled photos. I pick and tear myself apart and when everyone else is saying how great I look all I can see are the negative things about my physical body. Laugh lines, crows feet, big teeth, flabby arms, not flat stomach (that shit hasn't been flat since 1997 you would think I'd be over it by now).
Maybe one day I'll realize that it isn't what is on the outside that matters but for now let me reapply my lip gloss.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
I feel like shit
The wedding is over. It was everything I had hoped for and looked amazing. All of the countless hours agonizing over every detail and making every flower, decoration every piece of lace, burlap and tulle totally worth it. Every hour spent running and every drop of sweat can't compete with how amazing I felt and looked that day. I've heard women talk about it and often have been skeptical but it really was one of the best days of my life.
I wish I could remember the vows that Joe read to me. Everything from that day was a blur. I wondered as I wrote mine for him what he would say. Are there really that many good things he could say about me? Am I really worth spending the rest of his life with? What if he decides as he's writing it that I kinda suck? I'm not super affectionate, I'm kinda selfish and I bitch a lot. Much to my relief he didn't use any of those in his vows. It was a pretty kick ass day even though it was cold as shit.
It really has started me thinking that I really am a pretty grumpy person. I don't know if I've always been that way or if it just has started. I need to lighten up and really try to be a "nicer" or "better" person. I don't think that I really have it in me to ditch the cynical sarcasm that I'm known for but I am going to try to laugh more, love more and worry and bitch less.
I not only feel emotionally crappy (not so much that it's a hindrance) but I feel physically crappy as well. For the last 5 days I've not really watched what I've eaten. I've consumed wedding cake, fried foods, beer, sugar, pasta, garlic bread, bread in general. I will say that it hasn't been in HUGE quantities and I've been fairly sensible but I feel like shit. My body is so confused about WTF is going on. I've had a headache, I'm tired and I've had heartburn for days. Considering how hard I had to work to shed the excess pounds I'd gained over the summer and the way my body feels it's not even worth eating the "treats". SOOOO I'm going to use this life lesson and get back on the wagon and start eating like I know I SHOULD eat because no one wants to feel like shit.
I wish I could remember the vows that Joe read to me. Everything from that day was a blur. I wondered as I wrote mine for him what he would say. Are there really that many good things he could say about me? Am I really worth spending the rest of his life with? What if he decides as he's writing it that I kinda suck? I'm not super affectionate, I'm kinda selfish and I bitch a lot. Much to my relief he didn't use any of those in his vows. It was a pretty kick ass day even though it was cold as shit.
It really has started me thinking that I really am a pretty grumpy person. I don't know if I've always been that way or if it just has started. I need to lighten up and really try to be a "nicer" or "better" person. I don't think that I really have it in me to ditch the cynical sarcasm that I'm known for but I am going to try to laugh more, love more and worry and bitch less.
I not only feel emotionally crappy (not so much that it's a hindrance) but I feel physically crappy as well. For the last 5 days I've not really watched what I've eaten. I've consumed wedding cake, fried foods, beer, sugar, pasta, garlic bread, bread in general. I will say that it hasn't been in HUGE quantities and I've been fairly sensible but I feel like shit. My body is so confused about WTF is going on. I've had a headache, I'm tired and I've had heartburn for days. Considering how hard I had to work to shed the excess pounds I'd gained over the summer and the way my body feels it's not even worth eating the "treats". SOOOO I'm going to use this life lesson and get back on the wagon and start eating like I know I SHOULD eat because no one wants to feel like shit.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
A little bit of me goes a long way: What I've been up to the last 3 months
It seems that I've lost my focus. Summertime typically does that to me. I have had a lot of things going on. The kids were here for the summer, I pretended to plan my wedding, I ate a lot of food and didn't do a lot of exercises. I've realized that handling many tasks at once is not my forte and handling them with stress is even more of a disaster.
We don't get to see the kids often and as you probably realize I'm not a huge fan of kids. Love them when they are here but my nerves are taxed and then I spend the next 5 months obsessing about how I could have made better use of our time when they were here. Damn you Colorado for being so far away.
I claimed that I would get SO much done for the wedding over the summer. That was CLEARLY a bold faced lie because I didn't do anything. I did eat a lot and not to my surprise after trying on my wedding dress it doesn't fit. My BFF said that it was because I wasn't wearing my spanx. I would like to clarify in saying that wearing 4 pairs of spanx in size small would not have gotten that dress to zip. Much to everyone's surprise I didn't cry. I went home and I exercised for an hour at 9:30 PM. I would like to think that it's a sense of pride that made me do it but in reality I don't have the funds to spend on a dress that I can't wear because I have an unnatural love of sour patch kids and tortilla chips. It's shameful.
I don't think that I've made it a secret that I'm a pretty opinionated person. I speak my mind and don't typically put too much thought into how it will come out to others. I feel that if you like me and know me then you know that is just how I am. You are either my friend or you aren't. I'm not going to go too far out of my way to impress you. I like ME enough that if our friendship doesn't work I always have myself to fall back on.
Most of you know enough to not talk about politics or religion and when people DO talk to me about those things we typically never agree. Case in point... I never realized how much explaining it was going to take in our choice of marriage venue and style. While I think that both of us are spiritual we aren't religious. I was asked yesterday a question that no on else has asked me: Who is marrying you and where do they go to church? I was so thrown off by the question that even though I KNEW the answer.... it didn't come out. I did manage to get out something to the effect that one of my best friends got ordained and I'm not sure where she goes to church. It's a civil ceremony with some Jesus.... but it's not a religious ceremony. Jesus is invited but it's not a religious ceremony. I swear I heard crickets. That's just not who we are. Apparently that wasn't the right thing to say because everyone immediately seemed uncomfortable and we talked about it afterwards. I'll obsess about that for a while. Made me wanna go eat some carbs and sugar but I didn't.
What else has been going on you ask? I have a bum knee and some tennis elbow from the hardcore badminton that we throw down on in the summer and it's really hindering the fact that my fat ass needs to squeeze into my form fitting trumpet style wedding gown. See how I circled back around to that?
I'm sorry this isn't more informative or funny but it is what it is. I couldn't figure out a way to make anything else make sense enough to cram it in here so I'll save the rest of my ranting for another day.
We don't get to see the kids often and as you probably realize I'm not a huge fan of kids. Love them when they are here but my nerves are taxed and then I spend the next 5 months obsessing about how I could have made better use of our time when they were here. Damn you Colorado for being so far away.
I claimed that I would get SO much done for the wedding over the summer. That was CLEARLY a bold faced lie because I didn't do anything. I did eat a lot and not to my surprise after trying on my wedding dress it doesn't fit. My BFF said that it was because I wasn't wearing my spanx. I would like to clarify in saying that wearing 4 pairs of spanx in size small would not have gotten that dress to zip. Much to everyone's surprise I didn't cry. I went home and I exercised for an hour at 9:30 PM. I would like to think that it's a sense of pride that made me do it but in reality I don't have the funds to spend on a dress that I can't wear because I have an unnatural love of sour patch kids and tortilla chips. It's shameful.
I don't think that I've made it a secret that I'm a pretty opinionated person. I speak my mind and don't typically put too much thought into how it will come out to others. I feel that if you like me and know me then you know that is just how I am. You are either my friend or you aren't. I'm not going to go too far out of my way to impress you. I like ME enough that if our friendship doesn't work I always have myself to fall back on.
Most of you know enough to not talk about politics or religion and when people DO talk to me about those things we typically never agree. Case in point... I never realized how much explaining it was going to take in our choice of marriage venue and style. While I think that both of us are spiritual we aren't religious. I was asked yesterday a question that no on else has asked me: Who is marrying you and where do they go to church? I was so thrown off by the question that even though I KNEW the answer.... it didn't come out. I did manage to get out something to the effect that one of my best friends got ordained and I'm not sure where she goes to church. It's a civil ceremony with some Jesus.... but it's not a religious ceremony. Jesus is invited but it's not a religious ceremony. I swear I heard crickets. That's just not who we are. Apparently that wasn't the right thing to say because everyone immediately seemed uncomfortable and we talked about it afterwards. I'll obsess about that for a while. Made me wanna go eat some carbs and sugar but I didn't.
What else has been going on you ask? I have a bum knee and some tennis elbow from the hardcore badminton that we throw down on in the summer and it's really hindering the fact that my fat ass needs to squeeze into my form fitting trumpet style wedding gown. See how I circled back around to that?
I'm sorry this isn't more informative or funny but it is what it is. I couldn't figure out a way to make anything else make sense enough to cram it in here so I'll save the rest of my ranting for another day.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
I got 99 problems and making excuses is one.....
I haven't been super active lately in life or in blogging or social media. It's summer time and we typically are outside doing things being active. It seems that the saying that I see on the inspirational photos all over Facebook are true: you can't out exercise a bad diet.
I have made every excuse to myself in the book. I don't eat THAT bad. It's only 1 cupcake. It's only 1 more cupcake. I exercised today. I look good the way I am. I'll go for a walk later. These sour patch kids aren't THAT bad for me (I've been eating the SHIT out of these things the last few weeks). My burrito bowl is BASICALLY a salad. The kids are here for the summer and it's hard to make 2 meals because they don't want to eat tofu.... I've gained 5 lbs. The scale the other day said 175. ONE SEVEN FIVE. That's almost a 15 lb weight gain from my lowest. Granted some of it was probably from the mass amount of salt that I've been consuming and hormonal woman issues... but I'm not wanting to continue making excuses. (I am back down near 165 at this point)
All of the above mentioned statements are excuses for why I continue to not do what I need to do. 1 walk around the block won't counteract the entire bag of Sour Patch kids I ate and the "almost salad" from Chipotle wasn't almost a salad but a bowl... with a bunch of rice and little sour cream and cheese....but most definitely not a salad. The one workout that I've managed to squeeze in once or twice a week will not cut it.
It's time to STOP making excuses and start making progress. No one cares about my excuses and the only one who has to deal with it is me. I am unfortunately a slave to the scale and every pound that creeps back on is a detriment to my mental health. It's a vicious cycle and I need to get out of it.
What excuses have you made to yourself? Are you still making them? WHY should you stop?
I have made every excuse to myself in the book. I don't eat THAT bad. It's only 1 cupcake. It's only 1 more cupcake. I exercised today. I look good the way I am. I'll go for a walk later. These sour patch kids aren't THAT bad for me (I've been eating the SHIT out of these things the last few weeks). My burrito bowl is BASICALLY a salad. The kids are here for the summer and it's hard to make 2 meals because they don't want to eat tofu.... I've gained 5 lbs. The scale the other day said 175. ONE SEVEN FIVE. That's almost a 15 lb weight gain from my lowest. Granted some of it was probably from the mass amount of salt that I've been consuming and hormonal woman issues... but I'm not wanting to continue making excuses. (I am back down near 165 at this point)
All of the above mentioned statements are excuses for why I continue to not do what I need to do. 1 walk around the block won't counteract the entire bag of Sour Patch kids I ate and the "almost salad" from Chipotle wasn't almost a salad but a bowl... with a bunch of rice and little sour cream and cheese....but most definitely not a salad. The one workout that I've managed to squeeze in once or twice a week will not cut it.
It's time to STOP making excuses and start making progress. No one cares about my excuses and the only one who has to deal with it is me. I am unfortunately a slave to the scale and every pound that creeps back on is a detriment to my mental health. It's a vicious cycle and I need to get out of it.
What excuses have you made to yourself? Are you still making them? WHY should you stop?
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Hello? Is this thing on?
I should be working right now (if my boss is reading this... I'm totally kidding I'm working my ass off) but I'm not. I'm bored. I have recently become "active" (in that I talk to like 2 people) on a weight loss forum and I found myself scouring through the archives today to see if anyone else had an interesting blog.... I was disappointed (unless you came here from that thread in which case... your blog fucking rocks!)
It took me quite a while to get comfortable with people judging my thoughts. I have a hard enough time with worrying about what people think of the things they can see on the outside imagining the reaction to my crazy thoughts was terrifying. I started a blog anyway because, well, I like it when people think I'm funny or informative and 9 times out of 10... I am.
I don't have sponsors and I'm not trying to make money or sell you some magical shit to lose weight because those things are imaginary... like unicorns. I WISH that I could find someone to financially compensate me for the random shit that comes out of my mouth but I've yet to find that amazing company to do that. Please feel free to comment below if you want me to peddle your products for cash... I'm a reasonable bitch.
If no one is going to read something then really why bother writing it down? In reading the blogs of others I've come to the conclusion that people are boring or I'm not serious enough. I appreciate that you took the time to post your reps and what supplement that you drank for your workout but when that's all of the substance... pass. Did you know that laughing burns calories? Don't start logging that shit or I'll blast you out on my blog that 10's of people read. I'm not saying your blog is wrong and mine is hella right because it's not.
I have thought about "rebranding" the blog because it seems that it has become less about health and more about life which coincidentally SHOULD include your health. The S in THE S word really can be anything ( but not sword which fucking google thinks I'm saying when I type it into the search bar) shit, solidarity, simple.... those are just a few that came to mind. I think that people are at least slightly entertained by my grammatically incorrect musings and I throw in some photos from time to time to show that I REALLY am trying to be healthy and motivate you but lets face it.... I'm too funny to be motivational.
So friends I tried reading your blogs and they were great and all but lets try to throw in some entertaining shit from time to time. I think that it makes people more relatable and if you can't relate to my sense of humor then I'm probably not going to inspire you to do anything.... For the love of Jesus, Mary and Joseph..... comment below so I know that I'm not just amusing myself.
It took me quite a while to get comfortable with people judging my thoughts. I have a hard enough time with worrying about what people think of the things they can see on the outside imagining the reaction to my crazy thoughts was terrifying. I started a blog anyway because, well, I like it when people think I'm funny or informative and 9 times out of 10... I am.
I don't have sponsors and I'm not trying to make money or sell you some magical shit to lose weight because those things are imaginary... like unicorns. I WISH that I could find someone to financially compensate me for the random shit that comes out of my mouth but I've yet to find that amazing company to do that. Please feel free to comment below if you want me to peddle your products for cash... I'm a reasonable bitch.
If no one is going to read something then really why bother writing it down? In reading the blogs of others I've come to the conclusion that people are boring or I'm not serious enough. I appreciate that you took the time to post your reps and what supplement that you drank for your workout but when that's all of the substance... pass. Did you know that laughing burns calories? Don't start logging that shit or I'll blast you out on my blog that 10's of people read. I'm not saying your blog is wrong and mine is hella right because it's not.
I have thought about "rebranding" the blog because it seems that it has become less about health and more about life which coincidentally SHOULD include your health. The S in THE S word really can be anything ( but not sword which fucking google thinks I'm saying when I type it into the search bar) shit, solidarity, simple.... those are just a few that came to mind. I think that people are at least slightly entertained by my grammatically incorrect musings and I throw in some photos from time to time to show that I REALLY am trying to be healthy and motivate you but lets face it.... I'm too funny to be motivational.
So friends I tried reading your blogs and they were great and all but lets try to throw in some entertaining shit from time to time. I think that it makes people more relatable and if you can't relate to my sense of humor then I'm probably not going to inspire you to do anything.... For the love of Jesus, Mary and Joseph..... comment below so I know that I'm not just amusing myself.
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