If you buy it you will eat it!

SHIT.  Whew glad I got that out first thing. I had these delusions of grandeur that I was strong.  I was able to walk past the chips or crackers and not eat them.  I realized last week that I'm not.  The reason that I'm not eating them is because I'm not keeping them in my house.  Sure we have junk like Pringles, cheese, wheat thins..... turns out I'm only immune to those things because I really don't like them much anymore.

I'm considering faking a dairy intolerance so people will stop trying to have lunch with me and offering me food.  My sister who IS lactose intolerant (OR IS SHE???) seems to like to throw that out when people are trying to tempt her with fucking delicious shit that isn't good for her.  I have pretty much cut out MOST dairy from my diet.  I hate milk.  It's disgusting and comes from the boob of a cow.  I didn't even breast feed my own kid because the thought of it repulsed me.  Drinking milk is out of the question.  - Side note... my kids is 5'10" and weighs 200lbs.... he did just fine on formula and I need to get some calcium supplements.

I've been caring for a family member.  She's OLD.  80.  She eats like a garbage disposal.  I went into her house and almost went into a diabetic coma by proxy.  I've gathered that her diet consists of the following food groups:  Fast food, chocolate, potato chips, jello and bacon.  That's right folks.  The unhealthy apple doesn't fall far from the tree because my mom doesn't eat much better.  She's 80 and her back is broken so I figure I'll let her eat whatever she wants.  I DARE someone to take my chips out of my hand as an 80 year old woman.  I will CUT A BITCH.  I don't want to live to see 80 and if that were the case my life is half over.  Depressing shit!

I tried to explain to her that I don't eat those foods any more and she doesn't understand.  Even as a sick person she wants to take care of people.  I'm grown, I can feed myself, I don't need your money and I certainly don't need those fucking delicious nutty bars that I see over there near the caramels, Rollo's and Samoa cookies.....

Just kidding.  I FUCKING ATE THEM ALL!  I have no will power.  This is how it went:

Day 1- WTF is going on here?  Why do you have no healthy food?  Why can't you move and where is everyone who helps you? (Breakdown occurs)
Day 2 - I got this shit.  "You want bacon and eggs, grandma?"  3 pieces for her.... 3 for me... gotta keep it even!   I'll feed her whatever she wants and I'll eat this chickpea salad I made....  AAAAND this nutty bar.  One won't hurt
Day 3 - FUCK I'm tired.  This piece of KFC in her fridge looks all amazing because all I bought was a chicken wrap that I painstakingly made this morning at 5 am so I would have something to eat here so I wouldn't eat the crap at her house.  Just kidding you forgot it at work. MMMM CHICKEN
Day 4 - Too lazy to make anything to take. I'll just eat whatever I can find.  Translation- Samoa cookies and pizza
Day 5 - JESUS H CHRIST is the junk food multiplying?  Where did these fudge cookies come from? Apparently my mom is bringing it in when I'm not there.
Day 6 - Was my day of rest. Someone else in my family went to feed her.  I ate pizza... and snacks
Day 7 - Oh it's your birthday and you want to have white cake with icing AND PIZZA?  Sure I just had pizza I won't want that.  WRONG.  I LICKED the icing off the liner and ate directly from the entire cake with a fork.  I have no concept of the actual portion size that I ate.... I pretend it was less than it really was and log it in my calorie tracker like a champ.  Repeat with the pizza... minus the licking.

Sooooo.  For anyone who looks up to me because I'm so inspirational... I'm a hot fucking mess.  I did manage to lose 1 lb and I'm not lying about that.  The moral of this story is that if you want to live a healthier life like me... just don't keep delicious shit in your house.  Keep things in there that you TELL yourself are delicious and that will make do until you are nose to nose with the mother load of delicious crap that you won't allow yourself to buy because you are a weak slave to the processed goodness of a nutty bar.

Forgot to throw this in.  Yesterday my boss was convincing me to try this AMAZING "ham salad" that someone in his family made. (It was tasty!)  I was certain it had mayonnaise in it- YUCK.  I tried it anyway... and could clearly taste bologna.  When I asked if it had bologna in it he said yes, he was afraid to tell me because he knew I wouldn't try it.  Jokes on you!  I LOVE BOLOGNA.  THHHEENNN almost as if a sign from God I got these photos from a friend.  THIS is why I don't eat bologna.  It's me 60lbs heavier and miserable. I'm sitting next to a frog statue which I hate even more than I hate mayonnaise.  Frogs are fucking scary!

Life is too short to eat shitty food.

I draw inspiration from other people.  That's what inspires me.  Whether its a conversation I've had with them directly, something I've overheard or something that I've seen them post.  You might read these and think - Hmm... she is probably talking about me. You are probably right.  Unless you are a total dumb ass you probably have nothing to worry about.  I'll not single you out or quote you directly but know that I'm an observant person and some day I might be writing about something you've said, directly or indirectly.

I over think damn near every aspect of my life.  It's a habit that I need to give up for Lent, although I don't typically conform to religious holidays and observances.  I'm not sure if it's a control issue or just how my brain is wired but I like to know every aspect of every possibility when it comes to things in my life.  It's tiring.   I like to think that others are the same way.  When I post a question or a thought online I fully expect people to chime in with their opinions.  Sometimes it's not always a good thing.

Something that I've learned is that everyone needs to have their own journey or experience when it comes to health.  What works for me might not work for you.  It's a lot of trial and error in some aspects.  The basic idea of it is pretty simple math.... expend more energy than you put into your body.  Fuel it with MOSTLY good foods.  Lean meats, fresh vegetables, whole grains.... it isn't rocket science.  I probably follow an 80-20 or 90-10 approach, keeping in mind that ratio could change at any time.  80% of the time I'm eating good shit... 20% it could be questionable.  Any time someone tells you that they have a magic shake, pill, workout or ritual that will make you lose all your belly fat... they're a fucking liar.  Unless it's working out and expending more calories than you put it.... they're lying.  Don't buy whatever they are selling you.  There are no magic beans.... except for maybe chickpeas and those are delicious.

I think what is so off putting to a lot of people are the vast amount of choices about what they should eat.  It's overwhelming.  Everyone has an opinion about what YOU should be eating, what kind of diet you should follow..  It's not about them.... it's about you.  Don't eat gluten, don't eat meat, eat this meal supplement that's made of gel or a protein bar that is really just a glorified candy bar, don't eat after 8pm..... we aren't gremlins eat the fucking snack at 8 if you want.  At least make it a good one and not a half pint of ice cream. Unless you have a specific food allergy to something or a personal reason for not eating something then don't. 

Anytime that you have to spend MASS amounts of time looking for, preparing or convincing your family to eat a special spelt wrap.... it's not worth it.  No one wants to eat food that tastes like shit.  I, for one, have NEVER found any vegan recipe that doesn't taste like absolute dog food.  Don't get all in an uproar vegans... I'm not saying your way of eating is wrong. I'm simply saying that for me it isn't pleasant.  Period.

Find a balance between what's good for you and what you like.  You can't eat perfect all the time.  Who gets to decide what's perfect?  You do!  Find a recipe you like and google ways to make it healthier.  The Internet is this amazing resource if used properly.  If that means a whole wheat wrap instead of a flour one... at least you've made a small step towards a "better" choice.  If you want to work up to lettuce wraps and other random grains... more power to you. I'm content with wheat.

Finally..... in an effort to help you make your healthy food taste better I have one piece of advice:  Befriend your spice rack (or cabinet if you are me).  The secret to making healthy food taste good... spices.  Turmeric, cumin, rosemary, curry, garlic powder, onion powder, peppercorns, paprika, chili powder, cayenne pepper, salt (in moderation and get sea salt for the love of Christ.  Table salt is garbage) cinnamon... PUT THAT SHIT ON FOOD.  Bland food sucks. 

Fajita Seasoning recipe:
2 teaspoons chili powder
1 teaspoon salt 

1 teaspoon paprika (Mexican is best but I know that not everyone has that)

1/2 teaspoon onion powder

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder 

1/2 teaspoon cumin

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

 

Sprinkle it on your veggies, onions, chicken while it's cooking.  You know what's in it.  You could omit the salt if you wanted but I like it.  Some people also put a bit of sugar in but I find it unnecessary.   If you like it spicier put more cayenne in... or red pepper flakes.  I LOVE garlic so I'm heavy handed with that and the paprika. 

 

Wait... I'm in my 30's?  When did that happen?

I know this has probably been written by every other thirty something writer but WHEN did 30 sneak up on me?  I remember being a child and waiting, agonizing over the years until I would be able to drive a car or move out of my parents house.  Long gone are those days. The time has came and went in the blink of an eye just like my mother warned me it would. I look back and wonder what I've really accomplished in my 35 years of life.

I tell my son all the time that if he really wants to miss out on the greatest years of his life to make some children in his twenties.  Some people might think this is not the best parenting advice but I beg to disagree. I personally have no desire to be a grandparent in my thirties or really ever. Before the hating starts hear me out.  Your twenties are supposed to be full of exploring, learning, growing and finding out who you are and what you want our of life, yourself and a partner if you choose to have one.  I still firmly believe that twenty somethings do not have the maturity to really know who they are and what they want out of life. You can not successfully raise a child when you don't even know who you are and what you stand for. Stop getting married after 6 months.  It probably will not work out. I can't even commit to a pair of shoes let alone another human for the rest of my life!  I'm allowed to say that because I lived it.

Let's take a moment to reflect on my twenties.  This blog would not be long enough to cover all of the ridiculous choices I made.  Thank God I didn't marry everyone I thought I loved as I would be world record holder for the most divorces to the biggest losers.  I did date some good guys.  One person told me that his family said I just wasn't marriage material.  WHAT?  I didn't even know what that meant.  I knew it really hurt my feelings.  I was lacking in direction, self control and mostly self esteem.  I just admitted that.  I could get all Dr. Phil and shit and try to pinpoint it  back to some issues with childhood or parenting but I won't point fingers.  I made those choices and I live with them.  I made some friends and sadly I lost some friends due to my choices.  I drank a lot and I wish I would have been a better parent to my son during the first years of his life.  Water under the bridge, right?

As a thirty something now people in their twenties annoy the shit out of me.  Needy women whose sole goal in life is to find the love of their life and focusing on nothing else.  Now I realize this is a very vague generalization but it's my opinion.  Take it or leave it.  I really couldn't care less. They complain about how old they look and wrinkles.  REALLY BITCH? Shut up before I get naked and scar you for the rest of your life.  This is what you have to look forward to in your 30's. Women who post their undying  love for someone they met last week on social media.  Next week dragging themselves back into the harsh reality that it just wasn't meant to be followed by posting something vaguely emo and attention seeking about being sad. If you let it go and it comes back it must be yours to keep.  I'm pretty sure that probably means that they realize that you have no self esteem and a job and will probably continue to pay their cell phone bill if they come back to you. You can't polish a turd.  Those same women who proclaim that chivalry is dead and ask where are all the good guys.  SHUT UP, no really please shut up.  Let's put on our big girl panties and get all Sex and the City and woman up.  Maybe you aren't "marriage material", yet.  You claim to hate drama but cause it publicly at every turn.  Live for you and stop trying to find a man to make you happy.  Men this could apply to you as well.  Ahhh... it's like reading a chapter from the book of my life.  Depressing.  Regardless I hate you now twenty somethings.

Here's what you have to look forward to at some point in your thirties.  The weight from one place on your body shifts to another where it doesn't' belong.  Where in the FUCK did all this gray hair come from? It's multiplying like rabbits and I'm able to do nothing but cry in front of the mirror while realizing how wrinkly and tired my eyes look when I cry. Sigh.   I really can't color it fast enough especially with dark hair.  I used to roll my eyes at women who obsessed with staying out of the sun and using moisturizer on their faces.  I didn't need that, I was young!  Well guess what? Now it takes me an extra 5 to 10 minutes just to prep my face to put on the makeup.  Exfoliate, toner, moisturizer, corrector and I've not even started on the meat of the operation yet.  I  have to have a college degree and a high paying job to afford the expensive ass moisturizer and tighteners that I need to put on my face to compete with my annoying 20 year old counterparts.

Lastly we're approaching middle age. MIDDLE AGE?  When did this happen????  I'm thinking about retirement, savings, IRA's, health care plans, what wine to drink with dinner.  WHO AM I?  What happened to all of the amazing plans I had in my 20's?  That's right..... I wasted those years trying to find a man to make me happy and I planned almost nothing else.  Turns out I just needed to find out who I was and make myself happy instead of trying to find someone else to do it for me.  Luckily as a thirty something I think I have it all figured out, maybe.