I've been living the dream: the dream of every overweight person who is in denial about being overweight. Today I woke up from the dream to realize that all of the progress I made is slipping away pound by pound. I keep thinking as long as I don't go over THIS number it will be ok. Then when that goes out the window as long as I don't go over THIS number I will still be ok. It's not ok.
Since October it has been a food eating free for all. The sad reality is that I DO have an addiction to food. When most people know that they've eaten enough I keep going. My body and my brain just can't seem to stop.
I've justified it in every way imaginable. I don't LOOK that fat, I only FEEL fat because I just ate a bag of chips it will probably only amount to 1/2 lb, it's only 5lbs, it's only 10lbs, when I die is anyone going to care that I obsessed about every calorie, is anyone going to say that I looked SO much better 25lbs lighter, live life.... I've made every fucking denial riddled excuse you can think of and I'm clean out of excuses at this point. I've reached the bottom and the message at the bottom is that I've become lazy.
Anyone who knows me wouldn't call me lazy because I'm always doing something. I'm usually doing something for someone else. I think it must be part of my subconscious going back to my childhood where I was told I would never amount to anything and that I was useless but in the same breath expected to be this genius, beautiful kid. Turns out.... I was probably a very big disappointment to my family and myself.
So what do we do now? We get back on the horse and ride again. I'm not getting any younger. My hair is gray, botox might be in my near future and none of my clothes fit. I'm in a pretty big funk right now. My plan is to start a workout tonight and weigh in and take some photos to track my progress. I've started a vlog, which is a first for me, more for myself than anything. I'll post it up once it's complete for anyone who wants to listen to me ramble.
