I'm a bipolar narcissist

Well technically I'm neither but some days I wonder why my brain works the way it does.  I see all of the inspirational memes about being yourself and loving you for you and not your size.  I can't get behind it.  I know I SHOULD but I can't.   There are some days that I feel amazing about myself.  I volunteer, I donate, I think I look great, I care about shit and then there are days where the only thing I care about is me.

I had a conversation with one of my very best friends about how I feel like I'm not a good person.  She asked me why I felt that way because others around me don't feel like that.  I tried to think of reasons and I came up with a few; parenting, ex boyfriend who convinced me that I was quite possibly THE WORST PERSON EVER on the face of the planet.  I believed him.  I hated myself more then than I ever have in my life.  WHY did I let someone tell me that about myself?  Did I do the same to them?  Am I really a bad person?

I am a narcissist of sorts.  There are some days I look in the mirror and think damn girl you keep getting better with age.  I'm proud of how I "maintain" myself and I want my husband to be proud to be seen with me.  Then there are other days when I think to myself that I'm not kidding anyone with all the makeup I wear and that people can see that I'm just a 30 something no one trying to impress someone.  I don't even know who that "someone" is. Must be all of you.

I have had people tell me that I look great, I'm beautiful and that I'm lucky. Let me just step up to tell you that makeup can make anyone look great.  I don't roll out of bed and look photo ready.... that shit takes time and effort.  Then I feel vain for wanting to look good. 

I think I'm my harshest critic.  I have a photographic eye which can be judgy. You have to notice details when you are photographing someone other wise you'll end up with a bunch of poorly lit, wrong angled photos.  I pick and tear myself apart and when everyone else is saying how great I look all I can see are the negative things about my physical body.  Laugh lines, crows feet, big teeth, flabby arms, not flat stomach (that shit hasn't been flat since 1997 you would think I'd be over it by now).

Maybe one day I'll realize that it isn't what is on the outside that matters but for now let me reapply my lip gloss.

I feel like shit

The wedding is over.  It was everything I had hoped for and looked amazing.  All of the countless hours agonizing over every detail and making every flower, decoration every piece of lace, burlap and tulle totally worth it.  Every hour spent running and every drop of sweat can't compete with how amazing I felt and looked that day.  I've heard women talk about it and often have been skeptical but it really was one of the best days of my life.

 I wish I could remember the vows that Joe read to me. Everything from that day was a blur.  I wondered as I wrote mine for him what he would say.  Are there really that many good things he could say about me?  Am I really worth spending the rest of his life with?  What if he decides as he's writing it that I kinda suck?  I'm not super affectionate, I'm kinda selfish and I bitch a lot.  Much to my relief he didn't use any of those in his vows.  It was a pretty kick ass day even though it was cold as shit.

It really has started me thinking that I really am a pretty grumpy person.  I don't know if I've always been that way or if it just has started. I need to lighten up and really try to be a "nicer" or "better" person.  I don't think that I really have it in me to ditch the cynical sarcasm that I'm known for but I am going to try to laugh more, love more and worry and bitch less.

I not only feel emotionally crappy (not so much that it's a hindrance) but I  feel physically crappy as well.  For the last 5 days I've not really watched what I've eaten.  I've consumed wedding cake, fried foods, beer, sugar, pasta, garlic bread, bread in general.  I will say that it hasn't been in HUGE quantities and I've been fairly sensible but I feel like shit.  My body is so confused about WTF is going on.  I've had a headache, I'm tired and I've had heartburn for days. Considering how hard I had to work to shed the excess pounds I'd gained over the summer and the way my body feels it's not even worth eating the "treats".  SOOOO I'm going to use this life lesson and get back on the wagon and start eating like I  know I SHOULD eat because no one wants to feel like shit.