Macho's story: You can't save them all but you can save one

When I first saw you my neighbor and fellow volunteer was walking you.  You seemed small enough but proved to be too much for her so we traded dogs.  I took you into the play area and turned you loose.  You ran and ran and ran some more.  I tried to get you to interact with me and all you wanted to do was jump in my face and bite at me.  You weren't mean, just annoying.  VERY. ANNOYING.  You never stopped the whole time we were out there.  You were impossible to leash and resembled the Tasmanian devil.  I labeled you " crazy" and "stupid" because you didn't listen to anything I said to you. I took you back to your kennel and told my friends that no one would ever adopt you.  Even I wouldn't want you.  You had been there since September so obviously no one else wanted you either.  You were unadoptable.... why bother?

Much to my surprise a few days later you were gone.  I was told your owner came for you.  THANK GOODNESS I thought to myself.  They must know something great about you because I didn't see it.

I didn't give you another thought.  On my next visit to the shelter I asked the staff if there was anyone new I needed to see.  "No" was the reply "but the annoying weird eyed dog was brought back".  Sigh.  This time you were in the puppy room in a tiny kennel. I walked some dogs,  I did not walk you.  I never walked you again even though I saw you looking at me through the bars of your tiny cage.

I came and went several times and you were always there.  Your annoying face barking barking barking.  Every time I said no one will ever adopt this crazy dog.  That was the consensus.

You were labeled as a pit bull which was just another road block to someone wanting you.  Who wants a tiny, crazy pit bull?  No one.  You were also labeled as "not dog friendly".  Great!  You're crazy, hate other dogs and is labeled as a pit. I'm sure I'll have people lining up for you. I'm not convinced that's what you are so I start asking some other folks. Some say you look like a pit, some say you look like a bull dog some say you look like a Boston Terrier.  The general consensus is that you most likely a Boston terrier mix of some sort.  {DNA test results confirm you are 100% Staffordshire Bull Terrier}You have some traits and characteristics of that breed. The shelter is full and you need out.

I started emailing rescues all over trying to see if by chance some special person might take you.  I asked the shelter to take your photo since I didn't have any.  This is what I got.  I emailed this to probably 20 rescues.  The shelter was ECSTATIC when I tell them that I have a taker for you in Pennsylvania.

One very nice lady says they will take you into their rescue. Against my better judgment I decided to bring you to my home because I know you will soon be someone else's problem.   I wanted to try to work with you a little so it wouldn't be so hard for the nice lady.

I took you to Jacks pets on the first day and I bought you a gentle leader.  You could not walk on leash like a gentleman so the LEAST I could do would be to teach you that.  The girls in the store helped me put it on you even though you acted like a giant, crazy asshole in the store.  I hated you.

I brought you home and you acted like a psycho.  I walked around my neighborhood with you in the freezing cold for hours with that damn gentle leader trying to get you to walk without going nuts. You got slightly better.

We came to the house and I brought you into the back yard and turned you loose.  You ran and ran and ran and ran.  I could see how happy you were to just be free of your confinements.  I think you ran around for well over an hour.  In the rare moments you were sitting still I tried to pet you without you cramming my hands in your mouth or jumping in my face.  That was mostly unsuccessful  You were a mess and I still hated you.

You were very interested in my dogs who you could see through the back door so I brought out Brutus to see if you would maybe like each other.

Much to my surprise you love him. 

I think you played and rough housed for 2 hours outside that day.  Long after Brutus was tired you were still ready to go.   You did stand still long enough for me to take a few better photos of you so that I could try to get you out of my house. I told you "NO BITES" every time you would try to nip at me and it seemed to be working except for when you were really excited. I still hated you.

When my husband came home and saw you he made it very clear that you were insane and not to even THINK about asking to keep you.  I get attached to the foster dogs but not you.... clearly I hated you.  You slept in your kennel in the garage that night.  I did give you blanket, a pillow and a toy in case you got bored.  I didn't want you eating the crate! You cried a little, I thought mostly because you were annoying.  We covered you with a blanket and turned off the light and prayed that you would just freaking sleep since we had never seen you sit still.

The next morning I let you out before work so you could run off some energy.  When I let you back in I forgot to pick the food bowl up and you growled at Brutus. You must be food aggressive.... gggrreat.

My husband called me to say that you were still nuts and he tried to take you for a "walk" around the neighborhood and you sucked.  He had your gentle leader on wrong and you hate it anyway.  It was not a good experience.

We had friends over playing darts in the garage. Everyone had left.  It's heated in the garage because even though you sucked we wanted you to be comfortable and feel safe at least until you left. I decided to get you out of your crate and see how you did.  Turns out you love treats.  You did try to nip at me and jump in my face but you now listened a little better.  You know sit and down... who freaking knew?  I was able to pet you without you trying to chew my hand off.  There may be hope for you yet.

After an hour or so I was tired. You on the other hand were ready to go.  I sat down in a chair and put my head in my hands and though to myself "how is this dog ever going to get adopted?  This rescue is going to pull their hair out with him".  Much to my surprise you jumped in my lap and laid down.  As I looked at you I thought no one who has ever met you would believe this. I took a video and I posted it on Facebook and when I watched it I realized that you weren't a bad dog and I didn't hate you.... at all.

In this moment I realized that you just needed SOMEONE to understand you. 

Something in you changed that moment or maybe it was me but I realized that you were a good dog.  You just needed the right environment.

I felt terrible and I've cried (I'm crying now) thinking of all the times I saw you in your tiny kennel FOR MONTHS and didn't walk you because you were bad or annoying.  You looked at me just pleading that someone please notice you and let you out.  I didn't.  Those images in my head will forever haunt me and change the way I think of dogs who are caged.  It's heart wrenching and I hate myself a little more every time I think about it. I didn't help you when you were clearly pleading for someone to notice and my whole purpose for being there was to make a difference in a dogs life.

I bought you a name tag in case you got lost.  It only said "I'm a foster" with my address on it but at least you belonged somewhere to someone even if just in that tiny way.

The next day we took you to doggie day care with our own dog.  You were GREAT.  You liked all the dogs and played hard.

You waited patiently for the shuttle to take you there. 

You loved ALL the doggies!

When you came home that night you were EXHAUSTED.  I let you in the house against my better judgement and you ran right for the couch where you burrowed into a blanket and went to sleep.  I couldn't believe that you weren't tearing through the house like a crazy animal.  When I sat on the couch you came right over and snuggled with me. I think at that point I started to love you. It was a good day for you and for me.

We still had plans to transport you to Pennsylvania on Saturday and when that fell through I even arranged a local meet and greet with a family for you.  They never called me to set up a time after I told them that you weren't the perfect dog.  You needed leash work and a big playmate and a dedicated owner who would exercise you.

This was the first time I'd seen you sleep peacefully.  A friend told me this was likely the most restful sleep you've had in months. 

Slowly you were growing on us.  You were content to play in the backyard and chill on your pillow in the basement or garage or wherever we put it.  You slept in bed and loved it.  You snort like a pig when you get excited and you snore as bad as my husband.

Today we took you to Jacks pets and bought you a coat, we gave you a bath and we laughed at you for being so silly in the car.

 

Macho you love car rides, snuggling, toys, running and playing.  You are FAST and would make an excellent trick Frisbee dog.  You are silly and you snort  A LOT.  You get really excited when people pay attention to you.  I can only assume because you lacked that for the last 2 years.  You aren't a bad dog, not even one bit.  You just needed someone who understands you.  I will work with you on your nipping habit and the jumping but I won't judge you for it.  It's not your fault because no one taught you.  I don't know if you will stay with us forever yet. There may be a more perfect home out there.    Until we find that you can call this home. I hope you always feel safe here, loved and well exercised.  I'm sorry for doubting you and I'm glad we got the chance to know you.

If anyone out there thinks that shelter dogs are damaged you are right.  PEOPLE do these things to dogs.  Shelters and confinements make dogs nuts.  I'm glad I took a chance on Macho and hope that this inspires you do to do the same.  Please share this with your friends.  I know it's a long read but not as long as Macho sat in a tiny kennel going nuts waiting for someone to notice.

I noticed.

Macho, who will remain named that, and I sleeping on the couch. <3

UPDATE!

Macho is living the life I wish for all shelter dogs.  He loves his doggie brother, has learned not to mouth everyone he meets and also can be trusted off leash. He loves kid and  I take him wherever I can because I want him to experience as much as his little dog heart can handle! Our 10 year old pit passed away in March and I'm not sure how I would have made it without Macho.  He was sent at the right time.  I guess it was meant to be.

We hike

I was sick for WEEKS and he was my constant companion.

Top off jeep riding

#macholife  

@macho.life

I'm a bipolar narcissist

Well technically I'm neither but some days I wonder why my brain works the way it does.  I see all of the inspirational memes about being yourself and loving you for you and not your size.  I can't get behind it.  I know I SHOULD but I can't.   There are some days that I feel amazing about myself.  I volunteer, I donate, I think I look great, I care about shit and then there are days where the only thing I care about is me.

I had a conversation with one of my very best friends about how I feel like I'm not a good person.  She asked me why I felt that way because others around me don't feel like that.  I tried to think of reasons and I came up with a few; parenting, ex boyfriend who convinced me that I was quite possibly THE WORST PERSON EVER on the face of the planet.  I believed him.  I hated myself more then than I ever have in my life.  WHY did I let someone tell me that about myself?  Did I do the same to them?  Am I really a bad person?

I am a narcissist of sorts.  There are some days I look in the mirror and think damn girl you keep getting better with age.  I'm proud of how I "maintain" myself and I want my husband to be proud to be seen with me.  Then there are other days when I think to myself that I'm not kidding anyone with all the makeup I wear and that people can see that I'm just a 30 something no one trying to impress someone.  I don't even know who that "someone" is. Must be all of you.

I have had people tell me that I look great, I'm beautiful and that I'm lucky. Let me just step up to tell you that makeup can make anyone look great.  I don't roll out of bed and look photo ready.... that shit takes time and effort.  Then I feel vain for wanting to look good. 

I think I'm my harshest critic.  I have a photographic eye which can be judgy. You have to notice details when you are photographing someone other wise you'll end up with a bunch of poorly lit, wrong angled photos.  I pick and tear myself apart and when everyone else is saying how great I look all I can see are the negative things about my physical body.  Laugh lines, crows feet, big teeth, flabby arms, not flat stomach (that shit hasn't been flat since 1997 you would think I'd be over it by now).

Maybe one day I'll realize that it isn't what is on the outside that matters but for now let me reapply my lip gloss.

I feel like shit

The wedding is over.  It was everything I had hoped for and looked amazing.  All of the countless hours agonizing over every detail and making every flower, decoration every piece of lace, burlap and tulle totally worth it.  Every hour spent running and every drop of sweat can't compete with how amazing I felt and looked that day.  I've heard women talk about it and often have been skeptical but it really was one of the best days of my life.

 I wish I could remember the vows that Joe read to me. Everything from that day was a blur.  I wondered as I wrote mine for him what he would say.  Are there really that many good things he could say about me?  Am I really worth spending the rest of his life with?  What if he decides as he's writing it that I kinda suck?  I'm not super affectionate, I'm kinda selfish and I bitch a lot.  Much to my relief he didn't use any of those in his vows.  It was a pretty kick ass day even though it was cold as shit.

It really has started me thinking that I really am a pretty grumpy person.  I don't know if I've always been that way or if it just has started. I need to lighten up and really try to be a "nicer" or "better" person.  I don't think that I really have it in me to ditch the cynical sarcasm that I'm known for but I am going to try to laugh more, love more and worry and bitch less.

I not only feel emotionally crappy (not so much that it's a hindrance) but I  feel physically crappy as well.  For the last 5 days I've not really watched what I've eaten.  I've consumed wedding cake, fried foods, beer, sugar, pasta, garlic bread, bread in general.  I will say that it hasn't been in HUGE quantities and I've been fairly sensible but I feel like shit.  My body is so confused about WTF is going on.  I've had a headache, I'm tired and I've had heartburn for days. Considering how hard I had to work to shed the excess pounds I'd gained over the summer and the way my body feels it's not even worth eating the "treats".  SOOOO I'm going to use this life lesson and get back on the wagon and start eating like I  know I SHOULD eat because no one wants to feel like shit. 

A little bit of me goes a long way: What I've been up to the last 3 months

It seems that I've lost my focus.  Summertime typically does that to me.  I have had a lot of things going on.  The kids were here for the summer, I pretended to plan my wedding, I ate a lot of food and didn't do a lot of exercises.  I've realized that handling many tasks at once is not my forte and handling them with stress is even more of a disaster.

We don't get to see the kids often and as you probably realize I'm not a huge fan of kids.  Love them when they are here but my nerves are taxed and then I spend the next 5 months obsessing about how I could have made better use of our time when they were here.  Damn you Colorado for being so far away.

I claimed that I would get SO much done for the wedding over the summer.  That was CLEARLY a bold faced lie because I didn't do anything.  I did eat a lot and not to my surprise after trying on my wedding dress it doesn't fit.  My BFF said that it was because I wasn't wearing my spanx.  I would like to clarify in saying that wearing 4 pairs of spanx in size small would not have gotten that dress to zip.  Much to everyone's surprise I didn't cry.  I went home and I exercised for an hour at 9:30 PM.  I would like to think that it's a sense of pride that made me do it but in reality I don't have the funds to spend on a dress that I can't wear because I have an unnatural love of sour patch kids and tortilla chips.  It's shameful.

I don't think that I've made it a secret that I'm a pretty opinionated person.  I speak my mind and don't typically put too much thought into how it will come out to others.  I feel that if you like me and know me then you know that is just how I am.  You are either my friend or you aren't. I'm not going to go too far out of my way to impress you.  I like ME enough that if our friendship doesn't work I always have myself to fall back on.

 Most of you know enough to not talk about politics or religion  and when people DO talk to me about those things we typically never agree. Case in point... I never realized how much explaining it was going to take in our choice of marriage venue and style.  While I think that both of us are spiritual we aren't religious.  I was asked yesterday a question that no on else has asked me:  Who is marrying you and where do they go to church?  I was so thrown off by the question that even though I KNEW the answer.... it didn't come out.   I did manage to get out something to the effect that one of my best friends got ordained and I'm not sure where she goes to church.  It's a civil ceremony with some Jesus.... but it's not a religious ceremony.  Jesus is invited but it's not a religious ceremony.   I swear I heard crickets.    That's just not who we are.  Apparently that wasn't the right thing to say because everyone immediately seemed uncomfortable and we talked about it afterwards.  I'll obsess about that for a while.  Made me wanna go eat some carbs and sugar but I didn't.

What else has been going on you ask? I have a bum knee and some tennis elbow from the hardcore badminton that we throw down on in the summer and it's really hindering the fact that my fat ass needs to squeeze into my form fitting trumpet style wedding gown.  See how I circled back around to that?

I'm sorry this isn't more informative or funny but it is what it is.  I couldn't figure out a way to make anything else make sense enough to cram it in here so I'll save the rest of my ranting for another day.

I got 99 problems and making excuses is one.....

I haven't been super active lately in life or in blogging or social media.  It's summer time and we typically are outside doing things being active.  It seems that the saying that I see on the inspirational photos all over Facebook are true:  you can't out exercise a bad diet.

I have made every excuse to myself in the book.  I don't eat THAT bad.  It's only 1 cupcake.  It's only 1 more cupcake.  I exercised today.  I look good the way I am.  I'll go for a walk later.  These sour patch kids aren't THAT bad for me (I've been eating the SHIT out of these things the last few weeks). My burrito bowl is BASICALLY a salad. The kids are here for the summer and it's hard to make 2 meals because they don't want to eat tofu....  I've gained 5 lbs.  The scale the other day said 175. ONE SEVEN FIVE.  That's almost a 15 lb weight gain from my lowest.  Granted some of it was probably from the mass amount of salt that I've been consuming and hormonal woman issues... but I'm not wanting to continue making excuses. (I am back down near 165 at this point)

All of the above mentioned statements are excuses for why I continue to not do what I need to do.  1 walk around the block won't counteract the entire bag of Sour Patch kids I ate and the "almost salad" from Chipotle wasn't almost a salad but a bowl... with a bunch of rice and little sour cream and cheese....but most definitely not a salad.  The one workout that I've managed to squeeze in once or twice a week will not cut it.

It's time to STOP making excuses and start making progress.  No one cares about my excuses and the only one who has to deal with it is me.  I am unfortunately a slave to the scale and every pound that creeps back on is a detriment to my mental health. It's a vicious cycle and I need to get out of it.

What excuses have you made to yourself?  Are you still making them? WHY should you stop?

Hello? Is this thing on?

I should be working right now (if my boss is reading this... I'm totally kidding I'm working my ass off)  but I'm not.  I'm bored.  I have recently become "active" (in that I talk to like 2 people) on a weight loss forum and I found myself scouring through the archives today to see if anyone else had an interesting blog....  I was disappointed (unless you came here from that thread in which case... your blog fucking rocks!)

It took me quite a while to get comfortable with people judging my thoughts.  I have a hard enough time with worrying about what people think of the things they can see on the outside imagining the reaction to my crazy thoughts was terrifying.  I started a blog anyway because, well, I like it when people think I'm funny or informative and 9 times out of 10... I am. 

I don't have sponsors and I'm not trying to make money or sell you some magical shit to lose weight because those things are imaginary... like unicorns. I WISH that I could find someone to financially compensate me for the random shit that comes out of my mouth but I've yet to find that amazing company to do that.  Please feel free to comment below if you want me to peddle your products for cash... I'm a reasonable bitch.

 If no one is going to read something then really why bother writing it down?  In reading the blogs of others I've come to the conclusion that people are boring or I'm not serious enough.  I appreciate that you took the time to post your reps and what supplement that you drank for your workout but when that's all of the substance... pass.  Did you know that laughing burns calories?  Don't start logging that shit or I'll blast you out on my blog that 10's of people read.  I'm not saying your blog is wrong and mine is hella right because it's not.

I have thought about "rebranding" the blog because it seems that it has become less about health and more about life which coincidentally SHOULD include your health.  The S in THE S word really can be anything ( but not sword which fucking google thinks I'm saying when I type it into the search bar)  shit, solidarity, simple.... those are just a few that came to mind. I think that people are at least slightly entertained by my grammatically incorrect musings and I throw in some photos from time to time to show that I REALLY am trying to be healthy and motivate you but lets face it.... I'm too funny to be motivational. 

So friends I tried reading your blogs and they were great and all but lets try to throw in some entertaining shit from time to time.  I think that it makes people more relatable and if you can't relate to my sense of humor then I'm probably not going to inspire you to do anything.... For the love of Jesus, Mary and Joseph..... comment below so I know that I'm not just amusing myself.

Thoughtful Thursday

My sister and I used to email each other when I wasn't able to chat with her.  It was always a competition to see who could come up with the most interesting adjective to describe our day using the first letter of whatever day of the week it was. It can get tricky to be creative.... Today was thoughtful Thursday.

We discussed (I did anyway, I think she just read what I said) some pretty deep shit about life and how it starts and when it ends and everything in between.  When you really stop and think  about it (assuming you aren't a total fuckstick and have some comprehension of your surroundings) we live in a pretty amazing and complex place.  We ARE amazing and complex. I personally don't know how it all started or how it will end.  No one does (please don't cite the Bible... I know what all that says) and in reality I don't think it matters. I think RIGHT NOW is what matters.

I've been thinking a lot lately about life and why we do the things we do. I mostly obsess about health and eating but then when I stop to think about it I wonder, is it all worth it?  Tomorrow might life might be taken from me and was depriving myself of a double cheeseburger really worth it?

I know  how quickly your life can change. I watched my best friend go through it with the loss of her teenage son.  At that time it put into perspective how the things in life REALLY matter and focusing on shit that doesn't matter in the end probably isn't worth it.  No I'm not relating the loss of a life to my giving up a deep fried ho ho or the fact that my son wants to drill holes in a new car.. I'm just saying that I think every once in a while we need to just stop and be happy for what we have, what we are and what we are given and realize that being happy is more important than being unhappy about dumb shit.

I always think that I need a path, a goal, an end point but in reality.... I don't.  I need to stop being so unhappy with everything including myself and just enjoy the moments that I have while I have them.  I don't think it matters if I have an extra 10 or 20lbs I should be able to enjoy things and not be so critical.   What if your goal is to be happy?  To laugh? To enjoy the sunshine?  At the end of all of it when we are dust the one with the most money doesn't win.   The thinnest one doesn't get a special prize.  None of those things matter in the grand scheme of things.  LIFE MATTERS.  People matter.

So for today I will go home, I will eat wings with my family and friends and maybe go for a run because I want to and not because I feel like I need to look good or lose weight.

WTF Wednesday turned into Throat Punch Thursday

So let me just start out by saying be prepared for what you are about to read.  It will basically have no valuable substance and really is ONLY about my mental health or lack thereof and me ranting about shit you probably don't give 2 shits about.   I know, first world problems.  I hope that no one reads this and thinks of it as bragging or being showy but it is what it is.

Complaint #1.
This is my son...... and the ALMOST BRAND new car that I bought him. 

 

Pretty sweet ride for a 16 year old.  IMO

 

 

Having never been a 16 year old boy I didn't realize the need to put all kinds of random shit on your car.  I get a new car I'm like sweet.... new car why go and fuck it up.  I never received my cars as gifts I had to buy all of them myself.   I might get some new wheels and tires... which I did on my car (btw it's the same year as the car I bought my son).  His car already had nice rims and tires, the windows are tinted, it has rain guards, onstar, remote start (mine doesn't have that shit) and it's turbo.  Spoiled much???

 

We have had more arguments over this fucking car than we've had in 15 years. He immediately cut the perfectly great factory muffler off and had a noisy one put on and we didn't even keep the factory muffler in case it needed to go back on.... without my permission.  FYI Don't go to Munro muffler... they are fucking assholes.  He put some lights and stuff inside there was wiring and some Velcro and other randomness.... OK whatever.  STICKERS.... dear God so many stickers.  Racing stripes and the most recent blow up..... a spoiler.  It was intercepted from UPS which was a whole different issue but whatever.

 

Now..... I'm going to draw the line at drilling holes in a perfectly good car to attach an aftermarket stupid spoiler..... for several reasons.  #1 I don't like it.  #2 I make the payments #3 I said so.

 

News flash: I'm now the most hideous and unrelenting parent on the face of the planet. Some ungrateful shit happening and as you all can guess... I suck at parenting. 

 

Complaint #2.

I've been working out... gained 3 mother fucking pounds.  The first person who comments with "it might be muscle" might get throat punched.  Today I'm eating only fruits and vegetables.  Translate that into.... stay away from me because I'm probably going to be a giant bitch.

 

Complaint #3.

Dealing with my family is like dealing with a herd of drunk cats. IMPOSSIBLE.

 

Complaint #4.

I quit drinking and that might have been a bad choice.

 

So to make this relevant to health and weight loss.. be sure to get in your 30 minutes of exercise today and don't fucking count sorting mail or singing while sitting..... although someone said that peeing burns 20 calories.. SCORE because I drink a lot of water....

 



Stop cheating yourself

I use an app to track my food intake and exercise (along with my up band).  I haven't been on recently really to look at it but needed some motivation so went looking through the forums for before and after photos to motivate myself.  It helped a little.....

I have quite a few "friends" (people I've never met or spoke with but watch what they log to make myself feel better or worse about what I am or am not doing)  Is that considered stalking?  ANYHOO.... I've noticed lately that some people log the most ridiculous shit as "activities".  I'm going to list them and my opinions of them below.

Sorting mail. Unless you ARE a mail sorter and you do it ALL DAY long... sorting mail for 5 minutes is not log worthy.

Singing while sitting.  No folks I'm NOT making this up.  Someone logged it for 15 minutes and counted the calorie burn.

Clearing the table.  I've not seen the DVD advertised for this..... Sounds like a blast

Unloading the car.  I have nothing to say about this one.

Now.... if you are counting these things as exercise and you aren't losing weight.... you might want to rethink your plan of attack.

Before anyone hates on me let me say that I know that moving is moving. Whether it is a little or a lot.  The things above are not an exercise and should not be counted as such.  I think the total calorie burn for these things was around 150 calories and I can tell you that you are probably NOT burning that many calories while completing 30 minutes combined of those activities unless you are unloading bricks or dead bodies from you car in which case we have bigger issues.

Don't cheat yourself out of being healthy because you want to see those numbers.  Those are things that you do in your normal every day life.  STOP CHEATING YOURSELF.  The only one who loses (not weight, life) is you.

Before and after

 

Sister shenanigans

This is what a MOMENT in my head looks like.  The struggle is REAL when it comes to food.  It helps to have a good sense of humor about it.  My sister helped. 

Me:

I have SUCKED at planning my meals the last few weeks... I was down to 163 and now I'm back up to 165 and i feel like a whale.... how can 2lbs do that to you!?  I've gained it DIRECTLY in my stomach area.  I SUCK AT LIFE.  This morning I woke up early... fucked off for 45 minutes and the rushed around.  Didn't bring shit to eat.... I got a pop tart from the gas station... obsessed about eating it ALL THE WAY here.  I just kept thinking... it's breakfast candy, breakfast candy, breakfast candy... just eat a snickers you fat ass it would have less calories!  Needless to say I didn't eat it.  I threw it out the window like a psychopath in the middle of town... still in the wrapper.  All I have to eat at work is celery and apples.  I'm having an apple and dreaming of my delicious pop tart laying helpless on the side of the road.   

Ok I lied... I got 2 packs of pop tarts and one is in the kitchen calling my name like freaking coke to a drug addict. This shit can't be healthy!

My sister:
oh my, Couldn't you have at least took it out of the wrapper.  That shits not biodegradable

Me:
REALLY????? That's your mother fucking concern when I'm coming unraveled because of a processed toaster pastry?

My sister: 
Oh my are you really upset?  I am sorry cause I am sittin here laughing about to piss myself trying to read this train wreck

Me:
LOL I'm calm.... just dreaming of my pop tart.  I'm eating my delicious fucking apple.  The mother fucker who said fruit is like candy... is a fucking moron.  FRUIT DOES NOT = candy. Candy = candy

My sister:
Eat one of the pop tarts.. remember your shame eating... and don't do it again!

Me:
YEAH RIGHT .. like I can open the package and just eat one.. are you drunk already this morning??? I can't stop laughing or crying... I'm not sure if I'm laughing so hard I'm crying because I'm hilarious... or if I'm laughing because I'm crying over a pop tart. This needs to be a blog....dear sweet overweight baby Jesus**

My sister:

Okay.. well if you need something to get your mind off of it.. drive back and pick up your wrapper just cause you're crazy doesn't mean the environment has to suffer!

Me:
The baby geese probably ate it and are dying right now***... I just saw them yesterday with their geese moms along the side of the road. If nothing else you got some entertainment this morning

My sister:
<my sisters coworker>**** did too... He came up with the go get the wrapper bit.  I don’t give a shit about the environment

Me:

Tell him keep it up and I’m posting shit about him on Facebook.  I knew you didn't give 2 fucks about the environment*****

My sister:

HAHAHAH  Oh god... I am crying

* I can't find where I put the first * and I'm tired of looking

**I KNOW that the baby Jesus wasn't over weight
***No geese were harmed in the making of this blog
****I have changed the name of the innocent because he's paranoid and doesn't like to be on the interwebs
***** WE really DO give at least a couple of fucks about the environment so calm down!

"F you country cooking"

I personally like country cooking...sometimes.  It really contains too much butter and grease which at this point makes my stomach upset.  It's all like "WTF is that???  We don't know so let's just get it out of your body as fast as possible".  FYI  It takes the elevator to the basement at lightning speed if you know what I mean.

I wish I could classify the food that my parents fed me growing up.  It might be considered country.  I don't remember too many meals that we ate.  I do remember being forced to eat lima beans, creamed spinach, johnny marzetti (slumgolia?) mackerel patties... and Center Pizza.  I can still get down with the BEST pizza on the face of the planet.. EVER.  (It also makes me sick)

Every morning I'm bombarded by what my sister calls "redneck frekkin country pot luck recipes".  You know what I'm talking about.  The recipes where everything comes from a can, has heavy whipping cream, bacon and cheese in it along with enough calories and sodium for 2 days.  THOSE recipes. At this point in my culinary evolution I don't even think they taste that good.  I, for one, don't enjoy all my food the same texture, thrown together and baked in a casserole dish.  Maybe it's because I really enjoy the experience of cooking. It could also be that I really just watch too much Cooking Channel.  I make a mess, get out the 300 spices that I have in my cabinet and make food magic happen. That shit IS magical.  To have someone eat your food and love it feels great.

Now I'm not bashing my country friends, I'm country. I'm simply saying that your moms recipes and your grandmas recipes are great.... in moderation.  Even Paula Dean learned the error of her ways and her own son has a show devoted SOLELY to fixing the butter and fat laden recipes of his mother into healthier versions.  It's 2014. There is NO excuse for eating like shit.  The internet is a great tool for finding things that you like and being accountable for what you are eating.  I know you thought it was only for Candy crushing or whatever everyone is into now but it's not.

The conversation got struck up about cooking and how my sister and I can take the most complex twelve step, 14 ingredient recipe and have it be amazing but can't manage to make a casserole that your friends RAVED about not look like dog food.  That's almost a quote.  The reason is that I don't get excited about those things.  I get excited when I can make food taste good WITHOUT fat and added shit I don't need.  Make friends with your spices friends because they need to be part of your arsenal when it comes to cooking.  If you only have table salt - which should be ILLEGAL- and pepper you might have a problem.

 I know, I know you REALLY need to try the tatertot casserole... NO YOU DON'T.  Eat a fucking potato instead and throw in some cruciferous veggies while you are at it.  Those fuckers are tasty if you cook them right.......

The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree

What a ridiculous saying.  It really only should apply to apple trees.  Unfortunately it is normally used to describe less than favorable behaviors of a member of someone's family.  I personally find that often you do inherit traits of how you were raised but unless you are a total fucking idiot then at some point you realize that you have the ability to get as far away from the tree as possible.

I was going to title this "an open letter to my mother" and that's basically still what it will be.  I feel ok posting it because it's about both mental and physical health and I HATE secrets.  My whole life everything was a secret.  Don't tell. If we don't tell then it isn't real.  They tear people up from the inside out.  I have enough shit to worry about without keeping secrets.

I'll be hypocritical in saying that we need to live in today because the next few paragraphs I'm going back... way back to childhood.  The things that happened in the past are over.  They might be great, they might be tragic but when there is an important task at hand we should focus on that.... not the last 20 years.  With that being said let's live in the past and think about WHERE people where during those times.

Let's just take a minute to reflect on where, exactly I've been for the last 20 years.  Twenty years ago I was 15.  In case you don't understand what that means..... it means that I was still depending on my parents to help me become the adult that I needed to be.  Call me a bitch but my mom did a less than stellar job on many fronts.

So...... at 15 what was I doing?  Several things.... trying to make friends.  That was hard since most people knew that my parents were a little crazy.  I'm allowed to say that about my family but you better not even let me hear you utter the words.  You'll see how crazy I can be.  I think that I have the potential to be 100% crazy.... most days I run on about 20%. You're welcome society, you're welcome.  One of my friends moms even turned me away after SHE KNEW that my dad had been in a particularly crazy mood that day. I had packed up my bags and asked if I could just stay at their house for a while because I was scared to go home.  She said no.  Bitch. I know no one wants to get involved in others domestic disputes.  I was probably younger than 15.

I was also praying that each day my dad could find the hairbrush or the remote control for fear that he would flip the fuck out and destroy our house like he did when I was about 10 or 11.  On the few occasions that my mom left him alone with us this day was really bad.  I can't even remember what set him off  but he LITERALLY tore the kitchen apart.  Cabinet doors, everything in the cabinets piled in a giant heap covering the entire kitchen knee deep.  My mom came home, cried and cleaned it up.  We BEGGED her to take us to grandmas so that we would be safe.  She said she would she even made a video of the damage but later tore the tape up and told us to never mention it.  FUCKING REALLY?

At 16 my parents did let me get my drivers license to my surprise.  I feel like they TRIED to be parents but they just didn't know how to deal with kids. I wasn't allowed to date and they told me that birth control caused cancer..... Now I'm 34 with a 16 year old son.  Math that shit out. I figured that shit out all. on. my. own. That chapter is coming up.  I was rebellious.  I hated them and probably rightfully so. 

At 17... I can't even remember.  I worked.... a lot.  I realized quickly that working was the way for me to GTFO.  I didn't have to be home which meant I didn't have to worry about burning a frozen pizza and having someone freak out like it was the end of the world.   I have had a job since the day I turned 16.

Two months before my 18th birthday I got pregnant with my son.  I graduated pregnant. I moved out of my house May 7th the day before my 18th birthday.  For a while I lived with my baby daddy family but his step dad was disgusting and we eventually got an apartment right after I graduated.  When my son was born I had no idea how to be a parent.  My mom did help some but I really wanted to limit the amount of time that my son spent with my parents based on my childhood experiences.

I spent the beginning of my 20's fucking my life up in any way you can imagine.  I was a terrible parent, I drank, I partied and I had a baby.  Sad.  I wish I could get those years back with him and appreciate them more but I can't change time.  What is the saddest part of all of this is that for the last 20 years I've been learning ON MY OWN how to be an adult.  I rarely received help from my family because I didn't ask.  I went to college.  For the most part I've been pretty self sufficient with a few instances of not so much. 

I WANT so bad to realize that they are people and tell myself that it wasn't as bad as I think it was but for some reason lately it's REALLY been on my mind.  I think it's my subconscious' way of telling me I need to deal with this shit.  My hands are shaking as I'm typing this.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm worried about what people will think about me or if they will think I'm nuts for even telling this to the general public. THIS SHIT HAPPEND. I could write an entire super sad book but I won't. 

No one lives a perfect life and no one can change the past.  I love my parents because they are my parents but sometimes we need to focus on the present. That time is now.  I feel like I can hopefully let this go.  In an effort to be super hypocritical I've already started a "super awesome childhood memories" blog.

So... my response to where have I been for the last 20 years can be summed up in this paragraph:  While my mom allowed my dad to tell me how useless I was, how my shitty mall job would never amount to anything, while my dad choked me on the couch in front of my then toddler son while he CRIED and tried to help me and you STOOD there and did nothing,  when you got 2 black eyes from being hit in the face with a fucking bag of candy (I still don't like chocolate to this day) over God knows what, when we got beat with a belt over the dumbest shit, made to stand in the corner forever.... where were you?  So for the last 20 years I've been trying to learn all the shit that you were supposed to teach me... like standing up for what I believe in, self respect, confidence, taking care of what's valuable to me and protecting the people that can't protect themselves.  So if you ever read this and want to know where I was maybe you should look inward to yourself and wonder where you were.

I hope that my apple, even if it's near the tree,  is a good apple (Honeycrisp because those are by far the best apples) regardless of whether the tree is partially rotted or not.  I'm a productive member of society, I work and pay taxes, I protect my child, I support him and let him know when he's not on the right path, I love him, I volunteer and I love my friends and would do anything for almost anyone who really needed it.  I turned out ok... considering. So don't judge the apple by it's tree.

If you buy it you will eat it!

SHIT.  Whew glad I got that out first thing. I had these delusions of grandeur that I was strong.  I was able to walk past the chips or crackers and not eat them.  I realized last week that I'm not.  The reason that I'm not eating them is because I'm not keeping them in my house.  Sure we have junk like Pringles, cheese, wheat thins..... turns out I'm only immune to those things because I really don't like them much anymore.

I'm considering faking a dairy intolerance so people will stop trying to have lunch with me and offering me food.  My sister who IS lactose intolerant (OR IS SHE???) seems to like to throw that out when people are trying to tempt her with fucking delicious shit that isn't good for her.  I have pretty much cut out MOST dairy from my diet.  I hate milk.  It's disgusting and comes from the boob of a cow.  I didn't even breast feed my own kid because the thought of it repulsed me.  Drinking milk is out of the question.  - Side note... my kids is 5'10" and weighs 200lbs.... he did just fine on formula and I need to get some calcium supplements.

I've been caring for a family member.  She's OLD.  80.  She eats like a garbage disposal.  I went into her house and almost went into a diabetic coma by proxy.  I've gathered that her diet consists of the following food groups:  Fast food, chocolate, potato chips, jello and bacon.  That's right folks.  The unhealthy apple doesn't fall far from the tree because my mom doesn't eat much better.  She's 80 and her back is broken so I figure I'll let her eat whatever she wants.  I DARE someone to take my chips out of my hand as an 80 year old woman.  I will CUT A BITCH.  I don't want to live to see 80 and if that were the case my life is half over.  Depressing shit!

I tried to explain to her that I don't eat those foods any more and she doesn't understand.  Even as a sick person she wants to take care of people.  I'm grown, I can feed myself, I don't need your money and I certainly don't need those fucking delicious nutty bars that I see over there near the caramels, Rollo's and Samoa cookies.....

Just kidding.  I FUCKING ATE THEM ALL!  I have no will power.  This is how it went:

Day 1- WTF is going on here?  Why do you have no healthy food?  Why can't you move and where is everyone who helps you? (Breakdown occurs)
Day 2 - I got this shit.  "You want bacon and eggs, grandma?"  3 pieces for her.... 3 for me... gotta keep it even!   I'll feed her whatever she wants and I'll eat this chickpea salad I made....  AAAAND this nutty bar.  One won't hurt
Day 3 - FUCK I'm tired.  This piece of KFC in her fridge looks all amazing because all I bought was a chicken wrap that I painstakingly made this morning at 5 am so I would have something to eat here so I wouldn't eat the crap at her house.  Just kidding you forgot it at work. MMMM CHICKEN
Day 4 - Too lazy to make anything to take. I'll just eat whatever I can find.  Translation- Samoa cookies and pizza
Day 5 - JESUS H CHRIST is the junk food multiplying?  Where did these fudge cookies come from? Apparently my mom is bringing it in when I'm not there.
Day 6 - Was my day of rest. Someone else in my family went to feed her.  I ate pizza... and snacks
Day 7 - Oh it's your birthday and you want to have white cake with icing AND PIZZA?  Sure I just had pizza I won't want that.  WRONG.  I LICKED the icing off the liner and ate directly from the entire cake with a fork.  I have no concept of the actual portion size that I ate.... I pretend it was less than it really was and log it in my calorie tracker like a champ.  Repeat with the pizza... minus the licking.

Sooooo.  For anyone who looks up to me because I'm so inspirational... I'm a hot fucking mess.  I did manage to lose 1 lb and I'm not lying about that.  The moral of this story is that if you want to live a healthier life like me... just don't keep delicious shit in your house.  Keep things in there that you TELL yourself are delicious and that will make do until you are nose to nose with the mother load of delicious crap that you won't allow yourself to buy because you are a weak slave to the processed goodness of a nutty bar.

Forgot to throw this in.  Yesterday my boss was convincing me to try this AMAZING "ham salad" that someone in his family made. (It was tasty!)  I was certain it had mayonnaise in it- YUCK.  I tried it anyway... and could clearly taste bologna.  When I asked if it had bologna in it he said yes, he was afraid to tell me because he knew I wouldn't try it.  Jokes on you!  I LOVE BOLOGNA.  THHHEENNN almost as if a sign from God I got these photos from a friend.  THIS is why I don't eat bologna.  It's me 60lbs heavier and miserable. I'm sitting next to a frog statue which I hate even more than I hate mayonnaise.  Frogs are fucking scary!

Breakdown in 3. 2. 1

I haven't written much lately as I haven't been in the mood.  I got so concerned taking care of myself and my physical health that I forgot about everyone else in my life and my MENTAL health.  I'm feeling pretty crappy.  I'm writing this more for myself than anyone else and I probably won't even post that it's up. 

My family hasn't been priority for me. I'm not close with my parents due to the incredibly shitty upbringing I had.  Don't get me wrong it wasn't all bad but that doesn't make it good either. I turned out kinda ok.   I resent my mom for not being as strong as she needed to be to protect and nurture her kids and my dad for being a giant asshole.   Not much has changed in 35 years.  I have a little better relationship with my parents now but I don't think it's out of forgiveness - I honestly don't think I have the ability in me- it's out of necessity because of my son.   I thought I was over it but it turns out I'm not. I keep saying that my dad is a different person and from what I can see he seems to be but it feels like no one can put their own wants aside from the greater good.  I don't think that years of therapy can help  me heal from that and I don't really want to talk about how shit from my childhood makes me feel anyway.  Right now.... I feel miserable.

My grandma has always been there for everyone in our family.  She isn't educated, she doesn't drive and she is poor.  She loves us with every fiber of her being and as much as I have dreaded this... she's old.  I can remember on Saturdays (or maybe it was Sundays) my grandpa would come down in his little red Ford Festiva.  We would know he was there because he would always drive past the driveway and then back in on the side where no one ever parked.  His car always covered in cigarette tobacco and camel non filter leftovers.  Sometimes he would let us clean it and then pay us.  He drank coffee and he smelled like old man.  He passed away many years ago after a 10+ year go round with Alzheimer's. My grandmother took care of him in their house until he died.  He is really the only person that I have been super close with that has passed away. 

It was Thanksgiving and I was with my then family. My grandpa had been ill for a long time and was recently moved to a hospital facility.  I had planned on going to see him and was so tired from cooking and all of the Thanksgiving things that were going on that I said I would go see him tomorrow.  He didn't remember who I was but my family said that day he asked for me.  I didn't go and he died that evening.  I HATE myself for not going and is a regret that I will take to my grave.

When my son was born, first boy, first great grandchild, my grandma took me and bought anything that I would have needed for him.  My family might say that I'm the favorite... or the chosen one.  I don't think Mark is held in much less regard.  I can't tell you the countless times she bought us food or things that we needed when I was 18 with a baby and making bad choices.  She never judged or criticized... she just helped.

Now my grandmother is ill.  She can't move about and it's been a year since I've seen her.  I didn't go at Christmas.  What kind of family member am I?  A terrible one.  Who do you blame for that, if you were going to place blame?  Me?  Am I selfish and self centered?  Why isn't my own family important enough for me to make time for?  I've never been close with my immediate family.  They are usually there when I need them but other than that I don't use them as a support system.   I'm feeling pretty down on myself and I think I've cried myself to sleep every night for the last 5 days.  I can't take back time, if I could there are many things I might do differently.  For now I'll just hate myself and hope that I can try to make up for lost time and keep my shit prioritized.

I'm mentally exhausted.  I can't make the right choice to save my own life.   This is my real life.  I have very few secrets and some might say that I put too much out there but it's life.  These things happen.  I'm a hot mess right now.

Food porn

You know what I'm talking about.  I LOVE social media as much as all of you, that's why you are here now.  I have something that I've noticed that really has started to grate on my nerves a bit.  Not enough that it's an unfriendable offense, but something that I think needs to be addressed.   All of the photos and recipes that I see in all of your Facebook feeds of baked cakes, cookies, cheesy casseroles, pies and breads that you are liking and sharing.  STOP IT.  You know which of you are guilty of this and it's not just one.

I have been known to tell people to surround themselves with good people because you are the company you keep.  The same goes with food.  If you surround yourself with good food..... you will eat it.  Looking at the pictures of the Butterfinger pie that contains enough calories for the entire day will not help you be healthy and it won't help me either.  It will just make you want Butterfinger and pie which is ok in moderation but often we are not eating responsibly. Why can't we just go back to eating an Butterfinger?  We need to supersize it into an entire pie because that is the American way.... eat more, spend more, weigh more.

But Jenn, you say, I'm not trying to be healthy.  Ok I get that.  Not everyone is a neurotic food freak like me but I am tired of seeing them in my news feed.  I know my battle isn't your problem and no I'm not trying to push my agendas on you, I'm simply trying to help change your way of thinking.  If you don't like it you can stop reading now. I'm going to start saying "Eat responsibly" since I've stopped drinking and smoking.  You are LITERALLY killing yourself with food. 

Look at the ingredients that are on the labels.  If you don't have labels on your food then you are probably ok because that means it's something fresh.  Research the chemicals that are being put into packaged foods and on some of your fresh foods.  The cancers and other health issues they cause are sickening.... literally.   I picked up something the other day, A YOGA MAT,  just to look at it and the warning label said something about contains a chemical that has been known in California to cause cancer.  WHAT??  Why is it on the shelf?

Eating healthy and liking it often takes time.  When I first started living on my own at 18 I didn't now how to cook and I hated everything.  Clear up into my LATE 20's I wouldn't touch a pepper, onion, lettuce, spices, many condiments, spinach... all of the things that make food taste great.  My mom was not, in my opinion, the best cook.  She had a very old school approach to making food.  Bland, boiled, unseasoned... ick.  mackerel patties, tuna noodle casserole were the bane of my existence.  As an adult I've come to realize that I'm freaking ALLERGIC to fish.  She would boil brussels sprouts and spinach.  DISGUSTING.  No wonder when I was on my own I ONLY wanted to eat junk food.   I had SO many food rules and they were all ridiculous.  I guess now I have new food rules but in a more healthy, balanced sort of way.   The more you see it and taste it.... the easier it is to break the bad habits and replace them with new good one. 

For me seeing a picture of apple pie vs. a super vibrant plate of fruit or greens wins over any day.  It wasn't always like that but  and some days it's a struggle but the more I remove it from my life the less I miss it.  If it's not in my house I won't eat it.  If I'm not constantly looking at it I won't crave it.  Any time you see something that you like google how to make it healthier.  That doesn't mean it will be HEALTHY it just means that there might be ways to make it better for you... and just eat the Butterfinger and don't make the whole pie.  You'll thank me for it later. 

Let me know.... am on the mark here or way off? 

"You're thin enough"

Really?  Remind of again where your PhD is from.....

Who says this?  Haters.... that's who. People who want to rain on my parade of healthiness.  Everyone who has went through weight loss around "frenemies" knows what I'm talking about.  It might be your mom or a coworker or a "friend".  THOSE people who want to tell you when you have done enough of something. 

 First of all.... who are you to tell me what I am or am not?  I'm not your friend and in reality I don't even like you. Why you ask,  because you are a mean person.   I'm pretty sure that you can tell by the look of disgust every time you're speaking to me.  In my mind I KNOW that you are sizing me up.  Looking at me as if I were yours to judge in every aspect from my hair to my shoes.  I lived this for several years when several people I worked with felt it necessary to inform me about my health. If I were a toothpick or anorexic maybe I might have a different attitude but clearly from looking at me I am neither.  (Sorry I got off on a rant there about something from the past).

The crazy remarks that were made have mostly left my memory along with any stress I had from that place the day I left.  I have enough toxic energy inside of myself I don't need anyone else to fuel my fire. 

I have to assume that you are the way you are due to some insecurities of your own.  Either way.... I'll determine when I'm thin enough.  I know you think I look great and I RELISH in the fact that you want to tell me every time you see me however,  I'm mostly over it.  I hate being the center of attention, which might surprise some of you based on how loudly I talk.  That's just how I talk.... I'm loud.  I won't feel sorry for you because you are too lazy to put in the work and I won't feel bad for myself for putting myself first.  I know ... you have kids and your job is soooo important. 

"I just don't have as much free time as you."  REALLY BITCH?  Because you have spent so much time getting to know me and life. <insert sarcasm> I LOOOOVE it when people say this to me about working out.  They assume that because my child is mostly grown that I must have inordinate amounts of free time hanging around.  Maybe they just think that I have no life.... who gets to decide what makes my life quality?  Is it you with your PhD from IBU... that's I'm a Bitch University in case you've never heard of it... I think it's based is Lucasville..... Your life is not SO important that you can't squeeze in 30 minutes to exercise.  MAYBE instead spending the 30 minutes you just did telling me about how you don't have time and that I'm skinny enough you took a walk this might be a different conversation.  You have time you just choose not to make it.  You should involve your kids even while they are young so that they can develop the habit of health instead of breaking the habit of excuse making.  I've posted rants like this before on Facebook about my daily routines.  I LITERALLY make EVERY thing that I eat.  I bring a lunch bag bigger than most peoples handbags (and I like my handbags like I like my paychecks and penises..... BIG).  I cook my breakfast lunch and dinner.... EVERY DAY.  AND... newsflash... I work 8 hours outside of my home. 

So the next time you want to tell me about how I'm thin enough and it's because I have too much free time.... please spare me.  I'm busy making something healthy and delicious (or disgusting depending on the day) for my family and working out.

Fat shaming

There are so many negative things in this world and we have such a short time on this earth that I really think that people need to just try to be nicer to each other.  I've recently rediscovered church; don't worry I'm not going to preach to you or become holier than thou.  Though all of the health changes, life changes, mental changes and physical changes I'm really kind of just trying to be a better person in general.   It isn't because someone tells me I have to.  It is because that's what I feel like I need to do at this point in my life.

I feel like everyone should be accepted or at the least respected.  Whether you're gay, black, fat or gay black and fat..... you get the point.  People need to stop tearing each other down and start building each other up. 

I have publicly subjected myself to scrutiny but posting information about my personal life, my photos and my struggles.  When people have negative things to say to me it hurts my feelings but I realize those comments are going to come up.  I have a HUGE problem when people are just mean to be mean or to make themselves feel better.

I participate regularly in a team/group sport.  There are people of all kinds there each week.  There are a lot of nice people there are there are some assholes.  Some days I'm the asshole.  There is an older woman who really just annoys the shit out of me.  She has for 3 years now.  Last night she came to ask me how my back was since we weren't there last week.  I felt like a total bitch.  This woman who is just an older lady doing older lady things who happens to annoy me sought me out and genuinely cared about how I was.  What a giant piece of shit I am.   As dumb as it sounds I really just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.  She's never done anything to me.... I just was annoyed by her presence.  I'm sure I have that effect on some people as well.

Then...the straw that broke the camels back... A woman on the other team we played  who, by all means, is not a small person. was overheard making  a comment about another woman on a difference team.  "Is she pregnant or just really fat?"  It wasn't said in a questioning manner.... it was HATEFUL.  My immediate reaction was to whip around and say something but I didn't for the sake of Joe's sanity.  I thought about how that other person would feel if she had heard her say that and I knew that it would hurt her feelings.  The other girl is so nice.  She is always smiling, friendly....by all standards much nicer than I am on most days we are there.

The moral of all of this is that we need to STOP hating on one another.  Everyone is struggling with something.  Maybe I'm overweight because of a medical issue, maybe I just like to eat fried chicken and twizzlers or maybe I am just lazy. I might be having issues in my outside life that you aren't aware of.  Who knows what's going on in someones life unless you are in it!  I'm going to try much harder to follow my own advice and not be so judgy...I know that's not a word.   I've said it before and I'll say it again.  We need to build each other up not tear each other down. 

I'm just a girl who got tired of being fat.....

This is a quote from my super smart, super beautiful, super motivational sister.  We had a discussion about why she never talks about her weight loss journey and experience.  She had some wise insights for me.  Fat people are grumpy and she didn't set out to inspire anyone she was just a girl who was tired of being fat.  I can agree with both of those statements. 

It was never my intention to inspire anyone to do anything and I too really am  just a girl who was tired of being fat.   The difference between her and I seems to be that I draw inspiration from talking about things with random people and making myself publicly accountable for what I'm doing.  I have very few things in my life that I wouldn't talk to you about if you asked.  There are some private aspects or "secrets" if you will...  but for the most part I WANT to be accountable for what I do, the things I say and how I am perceived.

If more people were held accountable for their actions both privately and publicly I think we might live in a different world.  Most people know better than to ask me about my opinion because I'm going to give it to you whether it's going to make you cry or not.  For those of you who don't and are scared to ask me.... here are a few things that I have an opinion on that YOU should be held accountable for.

Life:  You only get one shot.  Get it right.  If you can't get it right the first time then try again.  Until you do.  Stop blaming everyone else for the bad shit in your life.  It's yours to own.  If you had a bad childhood.... move on.  Once you are an adult YOU make your decisions, you are responsible for your actions... no one else.... YOU.

Marriage/Relationships:  Respect your partner.  If you wouldn't want them to do it to you.... don't do it to them.  There are no double damn standards.  I always think about my son's relationships.  If someone he was married to treated him the way I treat my spouse how would I feel about that other person?  If it's bad... you might want to change some shit in your life.  BE HONEST.  Nothing good has ever come out of a lie. 

Health:  Make it a priority.  No one else can do that for you and I for one am tired of helping those who want to spend their/my money on frozen pizzas and potato chips.  Fucking make a meal for your family with food..... Go for a walk with your kids. Encourage them to be healthier than you are because you are raising a generation of lazy, fat children.  We can't keep taking care of everyone. 

Religion:  You have yours, I have mine.  As long as you are comfortable with what will or won't happen to you after you are gone I won't try to help you find religion.  That's your journey to have. No one really knows the answers so stop trying to shove something down my throat that I don't want.

Work:  You can either do what makes you happy or do what pays your bills.  Sometimes in life we can't have both.  There are NO FREE RIDES (unless you are in the 51%).  Just go.  When we became so lazy and entitled is beyond me.

Money:  Spend less than you make.  PERIOD.  If your car payment is more than you make in half a month... you might want to re prioritize.   In the end no one cares what you are driving.  No one cares how nice your house is.  A nice house won't make you friends and won't make you loved..... friends and love do that... and those things are free.

Pets:  Fucking take care of them.  Don't list them for sale on a classified ad when you no longer have time for them.  They deserve better.  Don't breed them.  Your dog is not so special that we need more of them.  Shelters are FULL of dogs who WILL BE KILLED because you bred them.  I'll argue you to DEATH over this one.... don't try me.

Exercise:  DO IT.  It doesn't have to be an hour long workout or anything special... just get up and move. 

Cursing:  I do it.  Get over it.  I've given up partying, drinking, smoking and eating things that are bad for me... just let me have my foul language.  Geesh

Drugs:  Why waste your time?  It's like smoking.... waste of time, waste of money and waste of health. 

Children:  If you can't afford to bring them into the world.... DON'T.  Stop reproducing.  Just stop. 

There you have it.... the things that just piss me off to no end.  What do you have an opinion about?  Post it anonymously below.  I'd love to know!

Life is too short to eat shitty food.

I draw inspiration from other people.  That's what inspires me.  Whether its a conversation I've had with them directly, something I've overheard or something that I've seen them post.  You might read these and think - Hmm... she is probably talking about me. You are probably right.  Unless you are a total dumb ass you probably have nothing to worry about.  I'll not single you out or quote you directly but know that I'm an observant person and some day I might be writing about something you've said, directly or indirectly.

I over think damn near every aspect of my life.  It's a habit that I need to give up for Lent, although I don't typically conform to religious holidays and observances.  I'm not sure if it's a control issue or just how my brain is wired but I like to know every aspect of every possibility when it comes to things in my life.  It's tiring.   I like to think that others are the same way.  When I post a question or a thought online I fully expect people to chime in with their opinions.  Sometimes it's not always a good thing.

Something that I've learned is that everyone needs to have their own journey or experience when it comes to health.  What works for me might not work for you.  It's a lot of trial and error in some aspects.  The basic idea of it is pretty simple math.... expend more energy than you put into your body.  Fuel it with MOSTLY good foods.  Lean meats, fresh vegetables, whole grains.... it isn't rocket science.  I probably follow an 80-20 or 90-10 approach, keeping in mind that ratio could change at any time.  80% of the time I'm eating good shit... 20% it could be questionable.  Any time someone tells you that they have a magic shake, pill, workout or ritual that will make you lose all your belly fat... they're a fucking liar.  Unless it's working out and expending more calories than you put it.... they're lying.  Don't buy whatever they are selling you.  There are no magic beans.... except for maybe chickpeas and those are delicious.

I think what is so off putting to a lot of people are the vast amount of choices about what they should eat.  It's overwhelming.  Everyone has an opinion about what YOU should be eating, what kind of diet you should follow..  It's not about them.... it's about you.  Don't eat gluten, don't eat meat, eat this meal supplement that's made of gel or a protein bar that is really just a glorified candy bar, don't eat after 8pm..... we aren't gremlins eat the fucking snack at 8 if you want.  At least make it a good one and not a half pint of ice cream. Unless you have a specific food allergy to something or a personal reason for not eating something then don't. 

Anytime that you have to spend MASS amounts of time looking for, preparing or convincing your family to eat a special spelt wrap.... it's not worth it.  No one wants to eat food that tastes like shit.  I, for one, have NEVER found any vegan recipe that doesn't taste like absolute dog food.  Don't get all in an uproar vegans... I'm not saying your way of eating is wrong. I'm simply saying that for me it isn't pleasant.  Period.

Find a balance between what's good for you and what you like.  You can't eat perfect all the time.  Who gets to decide what's perfect?  You do!  Find a recipe you like and google ways to make it healthier.  The Internet is this amazing resource if used properly.  If that means a whole wheat wrap instead of a flour one... at least you've made a small step towards a "better" choice.  If you want to work up to lettuce wraps and other random grains... more power to you. I'm content with wheat.

Finally..... in an effort to help you make your healthy food taste better I have one piece of advice:  Befriend your spice rack (or cabinet if you are me).  The secret to making healthy food taste good... spices.  Turmeric, cumin, rosemary, curry, garlic powder, onion powder, peppercorns, paprika, chili powder, cayenne pepper, salt (in moderation and get sea salt for the love of Christ.  Table salt is garbage) cinnamon... PUT THAT SHIT ON FOOD.  Bland food sucks. 

Fajita Seasoning recipe:
2 teaspoons chili powder
1 teaspoon salt 

1 teaspoon paprika (Mexican is best but I know that not everyone has that)

1/2 teaspoon onion powder

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder 

1/2 teaspoon cumin

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

 

Sprinkle it on your veggies, onions, chicken while it's cooking.  You know what's in it.  You could omit the salt if you wanted but I like it.  Some people also put a bit of sugar in but I find it unnecessary.   If you like it spicier put more cayenne in... or red pepper flakes.  I LOVE garlic so I'm heavy handed with that and the paprika.