I had a conversation with one of my very best friends about how I feel like I'm not a good person. She asked me why I felt that way because others around me don't feel like that. I tried to think of reasons and I came up with a few; parenting, ex boyfriend who convinced me that I was quite possibly THE WORST PERSON EVER on the face of the planet. I believed him. I hated myself more then than I ever have in my life. WHY did I let someone tell me that about myself? Did I do the same to them? Am I really a bad person?
I am a narcissist of sorts. There are some days I look in the mirror and think damn girl you keep getting better with age. I'm proud of how I "maintain" myself and I want my husband to be proud to be seen with me. Then there are other days when I think to myself that I'm not kidding anyone with all the makeup I wear and that people can see that I'm just a 30 something no one trying to impress someone. I don't even know who that "someone" is. Must be all of you.
I have had people tell me that I look great, I'm beautiful and that I'm lucky. Let me just step up to tell you that makeup can make anyone look great. I don't roll out of bed and look photo ready.... that shit takes time and effort. Then I feel vain for wanting to look good.
I think I'm my harshest critic. I have a photographic eye which can be judgy. You have to notice details when you are photographing someone other wise you'll end up with a bunch of poorly lit, wrong angled photos. I pick and tear myself apart and when everyone else is saying how great I look all I can see are the negative things about my physical body. Laugh lines, crows feet, big teeth, flabby arms, not flat stomach (that shit hasn't been flat since 1997 you would think I'd be over it by now).
Maybe one day I'll realize that it isn't what is on the outside that matters but for now let me reapply my lip gloss.
Did you ever consider your ex might be right? Not the worst person in the world, but maybe you shouldn't be so self centered, or spend so much time loathing in self pity. It's unhealthy for you and your relationships, it brings yourself and those around you down. If you're a 30 something you need to come to the realization you're past your youth and shouldn't focus so much on a superficial exterior, but on an inner beauty. That is how people view you, take time to mold yourself to be who you wanna be. It's not someone painting on makeup never happy with themselves, and always doubting others compliments. That comes from a dark place that makes those around you feel like your opinion is the only one that's valid. It breaks relationships apart, and is very narcissistic. Find a place you can be happy with yourself, and remind those around you that they matter too. You need to get out of the place you are right now mentally.
ReplyDeleteHahah.. everything you are feeling is perfectly normal!
ReplyDeleteThis is something we all go through, we just don't normally admit it to ourselves, let alone in a public forum. So thank you for saying what the rest of us often think.
Also, you ARE a good person. Being mildly narcissistic does NOT make you a bad person. Purposely trying to harm others (whether with actions or words) makes on a bad person. You do neither.
As for the other items of your appearance, I wake up daily and get ready even when I am not leaving the house. NOT because I am narcissistic, because I enjoy it. I enjoy feeling good about myself. When I feel good about myself, I take better care of myself. Its way better than hanging out on the couch in your PJ's feeling like a big lump eating crap you shouldn't be. I am an introverted person naturally, if I follow a routine, if I put on my little bit of makeup I am more likely to go OUT. Everyone does what makes them feel good about themselves. There is NOTHING wrong with that and there is NOTHING wrong with you.
Lastly, I don't want to be confrontational, but....
Dear Anonymous poster, Don't be a dick! What kind of person tells a woman in her 30's that she is past her youth and is quite possibly a bad person as her ex said? Suggesting she not spend so much time with self pitty? Really... total dick move. It appears you may have been trying to be helpful, but really it just came off condescending and mean! I too am in my 30's and have never felt better. I feel more 'youthful' now than I did when I was 22!
First let me thank you anonymous person for having the courage to tell me that I'm past my prime and most likely a bad person, anonymously. I paraphrased your comment because you could have saved yourself a lot of time by leaving out the extraneous words.
ReplyDeleteThe strong relationships that I have with the few people that I do are the ones that matter to me. Those are the people who KNOW me and accept me for me…. Hypocritical, self-centered bitchiness and all. In my world my opinion IS the only one that matters unless YOU matter to me and then yours matters too. If people haven't figured that out by now then they obviously don't belong in my life anyway.
I find it incredibly hypocritical that if I talk about how I doubt myself I'm weak and need to just find inner beauty. If I’m strong and confident then I’m self-centered and arrogant. I love myself but then I’m told that I have much room for improvement. I’m a hard ass but then when I show weakness people will exploit it first chance they get. This are the contradictory things that people are told daily and it needs to stop.
I like myself. I like where I am in life and I realize what brought me here. I AM in a good place mentally and I feel like there should be no shame in wanting to look good regardless of whether you are 20 or 60. My opinion of myself is mostly a good one but I have moments where I doubt myself. Thanks for the psychoanalysis session anyway.