I haven't written much lately as I haven't been in the mood. I got so concerned taking care of myself and my physical health that I forgot about everyone else in my life and my MENTAL health. I'm feeling pretty crappy. I'm writing this more for myself than anyone else and I probably won't even post that it's up.
My family hasn't been priority for me. I'm not close with my parents due to the incredibly shitty upbringing I had. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all bad but that doesn't make it good either. I turned out kinda ok. I resent my mom for not being as strong as she needed to be to protect and nurture her kids and my dad for being a giant asshole. Not much has changed in 35 years. I have a little better relationship with my parents now but I don't think it's out of forgiveness - I honestly don't think I have the ability in me- it's out of necessity because of my son. I thought I was over it but it turns out I'm not. I keep saying that my dad is a different person and from what I can see he seems to be but it feels like no one can put their own wants aside from the greater good. I don't think that years of therapy can help me heal from that and I don't really want to talk about how shit from my childhood makes me feel anyway. Right now.... I feel miserable.
My grandma has always been there for everyone in our family. She isn't educated, she doesn't drive and she is poor. She loves us with every fiber of her being and as much as I have dreaded this... she's old. I can remember on Saturdays (or maybe it was Sundays) my grandpa would come down in his little red Ford Festiva. We would know he was there because he would always drive past the driveway and then back in on the side where no one ever parked. His car always covered in cigarette tobacco and camel non filter leftovers. Sometimes he would let us clean it and then pay us. He drank coffee and he smelled like old man. He passed away many years ago after a 10+ year go round with Alzheimer's. My grandmother took care of him in their house until he died. He is really the only person that I have been super close with that has passed away.
It was Thanksgiving and I was with my then family. My grandpa had been ill for a long time and was recently moved to a hospital facility. I had planned on going to see him and was so tired from cooking and all of the Thanksgiving things that were going on that I said I would go see him tomorrow. He didn't remember who I was but my family said that day he asked for me. I didn't go and he died that evening. I HATE myself for not going and is a regret that I will take to my grave.
When my son was born, first boy, first great grandchild, my grandma took me and bought anything that I would have needed for him. My family might say that I'm the favorite... or the chosen one. I don't think Mark is held in much less regard. I can't tell you the countless times she bought us food or things that we needed when I was 18 with a baby and making bad choices. She never judged or criticized... she just helped.
Now my grandmother is ill. She can't move about and it's been a year since I've seen her. I didn't go at Christmas. What kind of family member am I? A terrible one. Who do you blame for that, if you were going to place blame? Me? Am I selfish and self centered? Why isn't my own family important enough for me to make time for? I've never been close with my immediate family. They are usually there when I need them but other than that I don't use them as a support system. I'm feeling pretty down on myself and I think I've cried myself to sleep every night for the last 5 days. I can't take back time, if I could there are many things I might do differently. For now I'll just hate myself and hope that I can try to make up for lost time and keep my shit prioritized.
I'm mentally exhausted. I can't make the right choice to save my own life. This is my real life. I have very few secrets and some might say that I put too much out there but it's life. These things happen. I'm a hot mess right now.
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