The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree

What a ridiculous saying.  It really only should apply to apple trees.  Unfortunately it is normally used to describe less than favorable behaviors of a member of someone's family.  I personally find that often you do inherit traits of how you were raised but unless you are a total fucking idiot then at some point you realize that you have the ability to get as far away from the tree as possible.

I was going to title this "an open letter to my mother" and that's basically still what it will be.  I feel ok posting it because it's about both mental and physical health and I HATE secrets.  My whole life everything was a secret.  Don't tell. If we don't tell then it isn't real.  They tear people up from the inside out.  I have enough shit to worry about without keeping secrets.

I'll be hypocritical in saying that we need to live in today because the next few paragraphs I'm going back... way back to childhood.  The things that happened in the past are over.  They might be great, they might be tragic but when there is an important task at hand we should focus on that.... not the last 20 years.  With that being said let's live in the past and think about WHERE people where during those times.

Let's just take a minute to reflect on where, exactly I've been for the last 20 years.  Twenty years ago I was 15.  In case you don't understand what that means..... it means that I was still depending on my parents to help me become the adult that I needed to be.  Call me a bitch but my mom did a less than stellar job on many fronts.

So...... at 15 what was I doing?  Several things.... trying to make friends.  That was hard since most people knew that my parents were a little crazy.  I'm allowed to say that about my family but you better not even let me hear you utter the words.  You'll see how crazy I can be.  I think that I have the potential to be 100% crazy.... most days I run on about 20%. You're welcome society, you're welcome.  One of my friends moms even turned me away after SHE KNEW that my dad had been in a particularly crazy mood that day. I had packed up my bags and asked if I could just stay at their house for a while because I was scared to go home.  She said no.  Bitch. I know no one wants to get involved in others domestic disputes.  I was probably younger than 15.

I was also praying that each day my dad could find the hairbrush or the remote control for fear that he would flip the fuck out and destroy our house like he did when I was about 10 or 11.  On the few occasions that my mom left him alone with us this day was really bad.  I can't even remember what set him off  but he LITERALLY tore the kitchen apart.  Cabinet doors, everything in the cabinets piled in a giant heap covering the entire kitchen knee deep.  My mom came home, cried and cleaned it up.  We BEGGED her to take us to grandmas so that we would be safe.  She said she would she even made a video of the damage but later tore the tape up and told us to never mention it.  FUCKING REALLY?

At 16 my parents did let me get my drivers license to my surprise.  I feel like they TRIED to be parents but they just didn't know how to deal with kids. I wasn't allowed to date and they told me that birth control caused cancer..... Now I'm 34 with a 16 year old son.  Math that shit out. I figured that shit out all. on. my. own. That chapter is coming up.  I was rebellious.  I hated them and probably rightfully so. 

At 17... I can't even remember.  I worked.... a lot.  I realized quickly that working was the way for me to GTFO.  I didn't have to be home which meant I didn't have to worry about burning a frozen pizza and having someone freak out like it was the end of the world.   I have had a job since the day I turned 16.

Two months before my 18th birthday I got pregnant with my son.  I graduated pregnant. I moved out of my house May 7th the day before my 18th birthday.  For a while I lived with my baby daddy family but his step dad was disgusting and we eventually got an apartment right after I graduated.  When my son was born I had no idea how to be a parent.  My mom did help some but I really wanted to limit the amount of time that my son spent with my parents based on my childhood experiences.

I spent the beginning of my 20's fucking my life up in any way you can imagine.  I was a terrible parent, I drank, I partied and I had a baby.  Sad.  I wish I could get those years back with him and appreciate them more but I can't change time.  What is the saddest part of all of this is that for the last 20 years I've been learning ON MY OWN how to be an adult.  I rarely received help from my family because I didn't ask.  I went to college.  For the most part I've been pretty self sufficient with a few instances of not so much. 

I WANT so bad to realize that they are people and tell myself that it wasn't as bad as I think it was but for some reason lately it's REALLY been on my mind.  I think it's my subconscious' way of telling me I need to deal with this shit.  My hands are shaking as I'm typing this.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm worried about what people will think about me or if they will think I'm nuts for even telling this to the general public. THIS SHIT HAPPEND. I could write an entire super sad book but I won't. 

No one lives a perfect life and no one can change the past.  I love my parents because they are my parents but sometimes we need to focus on the present. That time is now.  I feel like I can hopefully let this go.  In an effort to be super hypocritical I've already started a "super awesome childhood memories" blog.

So... my response to where have I been for the last 20 years can be summed up in this paragraph:  While my mom allowed my dad to tell me how useless I was, how my shitty mall job would never amount to anything, while my dad choked me on the couch in front of my then toddler son while he CRIED and tried to help me and you STOOD there and did nothing,  when you got 2 black eyes from being hit in the face with a fucking bag of candy (I still don't like chocolate to this day) over God knows what, when we got beat with a belt over the dumbest shit, made to stand in the corner forever.... where were you?  So for the last 20 years I've been trying to learn all the shit that you were supposed to teach me... like standing up for what I believe in, self respect, confidence, taking care of what's valuable to me and protecting the people that can't protect themselves.  So if you ever read this and want to know where I was maybe you should look inward to yourself and wonder where you were.

I hope that my apple, even if it's near the tree,  is a good apple (Honeycrisp because those are by far the best apples) regardless of whether the tree is partially rotted or not.  I'm a productive member of society, I work and pay taxes, I protect my child, I support him and let him know when he's not on the right path, I love him, I volunteer and I love my friends and would do anything for almost anyone who really needed it.  I turned out ok... considering. So don't judge the apple by it's tree.