If you buy it you will eat it!

SHIT.  Whew glad I got that out first thing. I had these delusions of grandeur that I was strong.  I was able to walk past the chips or crackers and not eat them.  I realized last week that I'm not.  The reason that I'm not eating them is because I'm not keeping them in my house.  Sure we have junk like Pringles, cheese, wheat thins..... turns out I'm only immune to those things because I really don't like them much anymore.

I'm considering faking a dairy intolerance so people will stop trying to have lunch with me and offering me food.  My sister who IS lactose intolerant (OR IS SHE???) seems to like to throw that out when people are trying to tempt her with fucking delicious shit that isn't good for her.  I have pretty much cut out MOST dairy from my diet.  I hate milk.  It's disgusting and comes from the boob of a cow.  I didn't even breast feed my own kid because the thought of it repulsed me.  Drinking milk is out of the question.  - Side note... my kids is 5'10" and weighs 200lbs.... he did just fine on formula and I need to get some calcium supplements.

I've been caring for a family member.  She's OLD.  80.  She eats like a garbage disposal.  I went into her house and almost went into a diabetic coma by proxy.  I've gathered that her diet consists of the following food groups:  Fast food, chocolate, potato chips, jello and bacon.  That's right folks.  The unhealthy apple doesn't fall far from the tree because my mom doesn't eat much better.  She's 80 and her back is broken so I figure I'll let her eat whatever she wants.  I DARE someone to take my chips out of my hand as an 80 year old woman.  I will CUT A BITCH.  I don't want to live to see 80 and if that were the case my life is half over.  Depressing shit!

I tried to explain to her that I don't eat those foods any more and she doesn't understand.  Even as a sick person she wants to take care of people.  I'm grown, I can feed myself, I don't need your money and I certainly don't need those fucking delicious nutty bars that I see over there near the caramels, Rollo's and Samoa cookies.....

Just kidding.  I FUCKING ATE THEM ALL!  I have no will power.  This is how it went:

Day 1- WTF is going on here?  Why do you have no healthy food?  Why can't you move and where is everyone who helps you? (Breakdown occurs)
Day 2 - I got this shit.  "You want bacon and eggs, grandma?"  3 pieces for her.... 3 for me... gotta keep it even!   I'll feed her whatever she wants and I'll eat this chickpea salad I made....  AAAAND this nutty bar.  One won't hurt
Day 3 - FUCK I'm tired.  This piece of KFC in her fridge looks all amazing because all I bought was a chicken wrap that I painstakingly made this morning at 5 am so I would have something to eat here so I wouldn't eat the crap at her house.  Just kidding you forgot it at work. MMMM CHICKEN
Day 4 - Too lazy to make anything to take. I'll just eat whatever I can find.  Translation- Samoa cookies and pizza
Day 5 - JESUS H CHRIST is the junk food multiplying?  Where did these fudge cookies come from? Apparently my mom is bringing it in when I'm not there.
Day 6 - Was my day of rest. Someone else in my family went to feed her.  I ate pizza... and snacks
Day 7 - Oh it's your birthday and you want to have white cake with icing AND PIZZA?  Sure I just had pizza I won't want that.  WRONG.  I LICKED the icing off the liner and ate directly from the entire cake with a fork.  I have no concept of the actual portion size that I ate.... I pretend it was less than it really was and log it in my calorie tracker like a champ.  Repeat with the pizza... minus the licking.

Sooooo.  For anyone who looks up to me because I'm so inspirational... I'm a hot fucking mess.  I did manage to lose 1 lb and I'm not lying about that.  The moral of this story is that if you want to live a healthier life like me... just don't keep delicious shit in your house.  Keep things in there that you TELL yourself are delicious and that will make do until you are nose to nose with the mother load of delicious crap that you won't allow yourself to buy because you are a weak slave to the processed goodness of a nutty bar.

Forgot to throw this in.  Yesterday my boss was convincing me to try this AMAZING "ham salad" that someone in his family made. (It was tasty!)  I was certain it had mayonnaise in it- YUCK.  I tried it anyway... and could clearly taste bologna.  When I asked if it had bologna in it he said yes, he was afraid to tell me because he knew I wouldn't try it.  Jokes on you!  I LOVE BOLOGNA.  THHHEENNN almost as if a sign from God I got these photos from a friend.  THIS is why I don't eat bologna.  It's me 60lbs heavier and miserable. I'm sitting next to a frog statue which I hate even more than I hate mayonnaise.  Frogs are fucking scary!

Food porn

You know what I'm talking about.  I LOVE social media as much as all of you, that's why you are here now.  I have something that I've noticed that really has started to grate on my nerves a bit.  Not enough that it's an unfriendable offense, but something that I think needs to be addressed.   All of the photos and recipes that I see in all of your Facebook feeds of baked cakes, cookies, cheesy casseroles, pies and breads that you are liking and sharing.  STOP IT.  You know which of you are guilty of this and it's not just one.

I have been known to tell people to surround themselves with good people because you are the company you keep.  The same goes with food.  If you surround yourself with good food..... you will eat it.  Looking at the pictures of the Butterfinger pie that contains enough calories for the entire day will not help you be healthy and it won't help me either.  It will just make you want Butterfinger and pie which is ok in moderation but often we are not eating responsibly. Why can't we just go back to eating an Butterfinger?  We need to supersize it into an entire pie because that is the American way.... eat more, spend more, weigh more.

But Jenn, you say, I'm not trying to be healthy.  Ok I get that.  Not everyone is a neurotic food freak like me but I am tired of seeing them in my news feed.  I know my battle isn't your problem and no I'm not trying to push my agendas on you, I'm simply trying to help change your way of thinking.  If you don't like it you can stop reading now. I'm going to start saying "Eat responsibly" since I've stopped drinking and smoking.  You are LITERALLY killing yourself with food. 

Look at the ingredients that are on the labels.  If you don't have labels on your food then you are probably ok because that means it's something fresh.  Research the chemicals that are being put into packaged foods and on some of your fresh foods.  The cancers and other health issues they cause are sickening.... literally.   I picked up something the other day, A YOGA MAT,  just to look at it and the warning label said something about contains a chemical that has been known in California to cause cancer.  WHAT??  Why is it on the shelf?

Eating healthy and liking it often takes time.  When I first started living on my own at 18 I didn't now how to cook and I hated everything.  Clear up into my LATE 20's I wouldn't touch a pepper, onion, lettuce, spices, many condiments, spinach... all of the things that make food taste great.  My mom was not, in my opinion, the best cook.  She had a very old school approach to making food.  Bland, boiled, unseasoned... ick.  mackerel patties, tuna noodle casserole were the bane of my existence.  As an adult I've come to realize that I'm freaking ALLERGIC to fish.  She would boil brussels sprouts and spinach.  DISGUSTING.  No wonder when I was on my own I ONLY wanted to eat junk food.   I had SO many food rules and they were all ridiculous.  I guess now I have new food rules but in a more healthy, balanced sort of way.   The more you see it and taste it.... the easier it is to break the bad habits and replace them with new good one. 

For me seeing a picture of apple pie vs. a super vibrant plate of fruit or greens wins over any day.  It wasn't always like that but  and some days it's a struggle but the more I remove it from my life the less I miss it.  If it's not in my house I won't eat it.  If I'm not constantly looking at it I won't crave it.  Any time you see something that you like google how to make it healthier.  That doesn't mean it will be HEALTHY it just means that there might be ways to make it better for you... and just eat the Butterfinger and don't make the whole pie.  You'll thank me for it later. 

Let me know.... am on the mark here or way off? 

Life is too short to eat shitty food.

I draw inspiration from other people.  That's what inspires me.  Whether its a conversation I've had with them directly, something I've overheard or something that I've seen them post.  You might read these and think - Hmm... she is probably talking about me. You are probably right.  Unless you are a total dumb ass you probably have nothing to worry about.  I'll not single you out or quote you directly but know that I'm an observant person and some day I might be writing about something you've said, directly or indirectly.

I over think damn near every aspect of my life.  It's a habit that I need to give up for Lent, although I don't typically conform to religious holidays and observances.  I'm not sure if it's a control issue or just how my brain is wired but I like to know every aspect of every possibility when it comes to things in my life.  It's tiring.   I like to think that others are the same way.  When I post a question or a thought online I fully expect people to chime in with their opinions.  Sometimes it's not always a good thing.

Something that I've learned is that everyone needs to have their own journey or experience when it comes to health.  What works for me might not work for you.  It's a lot of trial and error in some aspects.  The basic idea of it is pretty simple math.... expend more energy than you put into your body.  Fuel it with MOSTLY good foods.  Lean meats, fresh vegetables, whole grains.... it isn't rocket science.  I probably follow an 80-20 or 90-10 approach, keeping in mind that ratio could change at any time.  80% of the time I'm eating good shit... 20% it could be questionable.  Any time someone tells you that they have a magic shake, pill, workout or ritual that will make you lose all your belly fat... they're a fucking liar.  Unless it's working out and expending more calories than you put it.... they're lying.  Don't buy whatever they are selling you.  There are no magic beans.... except for maybe chickpeas and those are delicious.

I think what is so off putting to a lot of people are the vast amount of choices about what they should eat.  It's overwhelming.  Everyone has an opinion about what YOU should be eating, what kind of diet you should follow..  It's not about them.... it's about you.  Don't eat gluten, don't eat meat, eat this meal supplement that's made of gel or a protein bar that is really just a glorified candy bar, don't eat after 8pm..... we aren't gremlins eat the fucking snack at 8 if you want.  At least make it a good one and not a half pint of ice cream. Unless you have a specific food allergy to something or a personal reason for not eating something then don't. 

Anytime that you have to spend MASS amounts of time looking for, preparing or convincing your family to eat a special spelt wrap.... it's not worth it.  No one wants to eat food that tastes like shit.  I, for one, have NEVER found any vegan recipe that doesn't taste like absolute dog food.  Don't get all in an uproar vegans... I'm not saying your way of eating is wrong. I'm simply saying that for me it isn't pleasant.  Period.

Find a balance between what's good for you and what you like.  You can't eat perfect all the time.  Who gets to decide what's perfect?  You do!  Find a recipe you like and google ways to make it healthier.  The Internet is this amazing resource if used properly.  If that means a whole wheat wrap instead of a flour one... at least you've made a small step towards a "better" choice.  If you want to work up to lettuce wraps and other random grains... more power to you. I'm content with wheat.

Finally..... in an effort to help you make your healthy food taste better I have one piece of advice:  Befriend your spice rack (or cabinet if you are me).  The secret to making healthy food taste good... spices.  Turmeric, cumin, rosemary, curry, garlic powder, onion powder, peppercorns, paprika, chili powder, cayenne pepper, salt (in moderation and get sea salt for the love of Christ.  Table salt is garbage) cinnamon... PUT THAT SHIT ON FOOD.  Bland food sucks. 

Fajita Seasoning recipe:
2 teaspoons chili powder
1 teaspoon salt 

1 teaspoon paprika (Mexican is best but I know that not everyone has that)

1/2 teaspoon onion powder

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder 

1/2 teaspoon cumin

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

 

Sprinkle it on your veggies, onions, chicken while it's cooking.  You know what's in it.  You could omit the salt if you wanted but I like it.  Some people also put a bit of sugar in but I find it unnecessary.   If you like it spicier put more cayenne in... or red pepper flakes.  I LOVE garlic so I'm heavy handed with that and the paprika.