If you buy it you will eat it!

SHIT.  Whew glad I got that out first thing. I had these delusions of grandeur that I was strong.  I was able to walk past the chips or crackers and not eat them.  I realized last week that I'm not.  The reason that I'm not eating them is because I'm not keeping them in my house.  Sure we have junk like Pringles, cheese, wheat thins..... turns out I'm only immune to those things because I really don't like them much anymore.

I'm considering faking a dairy intolerance so people will stop trying to have lunch with me and offering me food.  My sister who IS lactose intolerant (OR IS SHE???) seems to like to throw that out when people are trying to tempt her with fucking delicious shit that isn't good for her.  I have pretty much cut out MOST dairy from my diet.  I hate milk.  It's disgusting and comes from the boob of a cow.  I didn't even breast feed my own kid because the thought of it repulsed me.  Drinking milk is out of the question.  - Side note... my kids is 5'10" and weighs 200lbs.... he did just fine on formula and I need to get some calcium supplements.

I've been caring for a family member.  She's OLD.  80.  She eats like a garbage disposal.  I went into her house and almost went into a diabetic coma by proxy.  I've gathered that her diet consists of the following food groups:  Fast food, chocolate, potato chips, jello and bacon.  That's right folks.  The unhealthy apple doesn't fall far from the tree because my mom doesn't eat much better.  She's 80 and her back is broken so I figure I'll let her eat whatever she wants.  I DARE someone to take my chips out of my hand as an 80 year old woman.  I will CUT A BITCH.  I don't want to live to see 80 and if that were the case my life is half over.  Depressing shit!

I tried to explain to her that I don't eat those foods any more and she doesn't understand.  Even as a sick person she wants to take care of people.  I'm grown, I can feed myself, I don't need your money and I certainly don't need those fucking delicious nutty bars that I see over there near the caramels, Rollo's and Samoa cookies.....

Just kidding.  I FUCKING ATE THEM ALL!  I have no will power.  This is how it went:

Day 1- WTF is going on here?  Why do you have no healthy food?  Why can't you move and where is everyone who helps you? (Breakdown occurs)
Day 2 - I got this shit.  "You want bacon and eggs, grandma?"  3 pieces for her.... 3 for me... gotta keep it even!   I'll feed her whatever she wants and I'll eat this chickpea salad I made....  AAAAND this nutty bar.  One won't hurt
Day 3 - FUCK I'm tired.  This piece of KFC in her fridge looks all amazing because all I bought was a chicken wrap that I painstakingly made this morning at 5 am so I would have something to eat here so I wouldn't eat the crap at her house.  Just kidding you forgot it at work. MMMM CHICKEN
Day 4 - Too lazy to make anything to take. I'll just eat whatever I can find.  Translation- Samoa cookies and pizza
Day 5 - JESUS H CHRIST is the junk food multiplying?  Where did these fudge cookies come from? Apparently my mom is bringing it in when I'm not there.
Day 6 - Was my day of rest. Someone else in my family went to feed her.  I ate pizza... and snacks
Day 7 - Oh it's your birthday and you want to have white cake with icing AND PIZZA?  Sure I just had pizza I won't want that.  WRONG.  I LICKED the icing off the liner and ate directly from the entire cake with a fork.  I have no concept of the actual portion size that I ate.... I pretend it was less than it really was and log it in my calorie tracker like a champ.  Repeat with the pizza... minus the licking.

Sooooo.  For anyone who looks up to me because I'm so inspirational... I'm a hot fucking mess.  I did manage to lose 1 lb and I'm not lying about that.  The moral of this story is that if you want to live a healthier life like me... just don't keep delicious shit in your house.  Keep things in there that you TELL yourself are delicious and that will make do until you are nose to nose with the mother load of delicious crap that you won't allow yourself to buy because you are a weak slave to the processed goodness of a nutty bar.

Forgot to throw this in.  Yesterday my boss was convincing me to try this AMAZING "ham salad" that someone in his family made. (It was tasty!)  I was certain it had mayonnaise in it- YUCK.  I tried it anyway... and could clearly taste bologna.  When I asked if it had bologna in it he said yes, he was afraid to tell me because he knew I wouldn't try it.  Jokes on you!  I LOVE BOLOGNA.  THHHEENNN almost as if a sign from God I got these photos from a friend.  THIS is why I don't eat bologna.  It's me 60lbs heavier and miserable. I'm sitting next to a frog statue which I hate even more than I hate mayonnaise.  Frogs are fucking scary!

Food porn

You know what I'm talking about.  I LOVE social media as much as all of you, that's why you are here now.  I have something that I've noticed that really has started to grate on my nerves a bit.  Not enough that it's an unfriendable offense, but something that I think needs to be addressed.   All of the photos and recipes that I see in all of your Facebook feeds of baked cakes, cookies, cheesy casseroles, pies and breads that you are liking and sharing.  STOP IT.  You know which of you are guilty of this and it's not just one.

I have been known to tell people to surround themselves with good people because you are the company you keep.  The same goes with food.  If you surround yourself with good food..... you will eat it.  Looking at the pictures of the Butterfinger pie that contains enough calories for the entire day will not help you be healthy and it won't help me either.  It will just make you want Butterfinger and pie which is ok in moderation but often we are not eating responsibly. Why can't we just go back to eating an Butterfinger?  We need to supersize it into an entire pie because that is the American way.... eat more, spend more, weigh more.

But Jenn, you say, I'm not trying to be healthy.  Ok I get that.  Not everyone is a neurotic food freak like me but I am tired of seeing them in my news feed.  I know my battle isn't your problem and no I'm not trying to push my agendas on you, I'm simply trying to help change your way of thinking.  If you don't like it you can stop reading now. I'm going to start saying "Eat responsibly" since I've stopped drinking and smoking.  You are LITERALLY killing yourself with food. 

Look at the ingredients that are on the labels.  If you don't have labels on your food then you are probably ok because that means it's something fresh.  Research the chemicals that are being put into packaged foods and on some of your fresh foods.  The cancers and other health issues they cause are sickening.... literally.   I picked up something the other day, A YOGA MAT,  just to look at it and the warning label said something about contains a chemical that has been known in California to cause cancer.  WHAT??  Why is it on the shelf?

Eating healthy and liking it often takes time.  When I first started living on my own at 18 I didn't now how to cook and I hated everything.  Clear up into my LATE 20's I wouldn't touch a pepper, onion, lettuce, spices, many condiments, spinach... all of the things that make food taste great.  My mom was not, in my opinion, the best cook.  She had a very old school approach to making food.  Bland, boiled, unseasoned... ick.  mackerel patties, tuna noodle casserole were the bane of my existence.  As an adult I've come to realize that I'm freaking ALLERGIC to fish.  She would boil brussels sprouts and spinach.  DISGUSTING.  No wonder when I was on my own I ONLY wanted to eat junk food.   I had SO many food rules and they were all ridiculous.  I guess now I have new food rules but in a more healthy, balanced sort of way.   The more you see it and taste it.... the easier it is to break the bad habits and replace them with new good one. 

For me seeing a picture of apple pie vs. a super vibrant plate of fruit or greens wins over any day.  It wasn't always like that but  and some days it's a struggle but the more I remove it from my life the less I miss it.  If it's not in my house I won't eat it.  If I'm not constantly looking at it I won't crave it.  Any time you see something that you like google how to make it healthier.  That doesn't mean it will be HEALTHY it just means that there might be ways to make it better for you... and just eat the Butterfinger and don't make the whole pie.  You'll thank me for it later. 

Let me know.... am on the mark here or way off? 

Hypocritical rant in 3....2....1

As a teenager and a twenty something I did a lot of stupid shit.  Even to this day sometimes I might not make the best choices.  It's all part of life IMO. One thing I did learn is that the older you get (typically) the more educated you are on certain aspects of life.  That's the way it is meant to be otherwise we would all be born knowing everything we need to know.  I know that not everyone will appreciate my life experiences or advice.  I'm not sure why though because OBVIOUSLY I know everything.  Clearly, I do not.

I typically don't participate in any type of forum discussions online for many reasons.  First no one is ever going to agree.  Second you have many different types of people from different backgrounds at different stages in their lives and different maturity levels.  Even if your "opinions" are backed up by facts or just being stated someone is going to flame your ass.  Believe it because it happened!

I recently "let" myself get dragged into a conversation, and I use that term loosely, in a thread about tanning beds.  I really threw myself into the conversation fully knowing that it would cause issue.  I must have been feeling confrontational that day.  I know, really?  Yes. I swear there is a point to this that IS health related.  The end result was me being called an idiot.  Probably not the first time that's happened. 

Living in Ohio as spring approaches everyone rushes out to get their glorious orange glow of fake tan. It's almost like a competition to see who can get the darkest and look the LEAST natural.   As a younger individual I spent my fair share of time in the tanning beds.   Some people like to have a tan for summer - I get it.  Until a few years ago I would sunbathe.  Last year I was pretty brown from vacation and I use sunscreen EVERY DAY but my skin tone tans easily.  I've learned with age that this probably isn't the best health choice to make.  As a 35 year old adult you can now see the damage on my face from those decisions.  My freckles are larger and more pronounced, I have a spot on my forehead that is sun damaged and when I get really tan it's darker than the rest of my face.  My life choices have taken a toll on my overall health and appearance.  Smoking, drinking, being sedentary, not eating right.... all of the above.  Some of you will argue to death that it's my genetics and they have tanned for years and have no damage or their family member has smoked for years an no one has cancer.  I call bull shit.  At this point in my life it's just not a chance I want to take.

With all of the dumb shit in life that COULD be bad for us or MIGHT be bad for us why would you want to subject yourself to something that WILL be bad for you?  It ranks right up there with smoking for me.  I'm not saying that EVERYONE who tans will get cancer or everyone who smokes WILL get cancer.  I won't get on that rant.  As an ex smoker you know I'm the biggest bitch about smoking. 

The moral of the story is we should TRY to take care of ourselves while we can.  It seems like the majority of the population is overweight or obese, on a medication, a smoker or has some health issue. Maybe I'm the one behind the times but it seems like we are all on our way to being the characters from the cartoon Wall-E.   I wish I could rewind life and have a do over for some things but it can't happen.

Do you tan?  Don't worry I won't call you an idiot I just want to hear your thoughts on it and why you do or don't use tanning beds.

Let the flaming begin... I'm prepared for it being the idiot that I am. :)

Wait... I'm in my 30's?  When did that happen?

I know this has probably been written by every other thirty something writer but WHEN did 30 sneak up on me?  I remember being a child and waiting, agonizing over the years until I would be able to drive a car or move out of my parents house.  Long gone are those days. The time has came and went in the blink of an eye just like my mother warned me it would. I look back and wonder what I've really accomplished in my 35 years of life.

I tell my son all the time that if he really wants to miss out on the greatest years of his life to make some children in his twenties.  Some people might think this is not the best parenting advice but I beg to disagree. I personally have no desire to be a grandparent in my thirties or really ever. Before the hating starts hear me out.  Your twenties are supposed to be full of exploring, learning, growing and finding out who you are and what you want our of life, yourself and a partner if you choose to have one.  I still firmly believe that twenty somethings do not have the maturity to really know who they are and what they want out of life. You can not successfully raise a child when you don't even know who you are and what you stand for. Stop getting married after 6 months.  It probably will not work out. I can't even commit to a pair of shoes let alone another human for the rest of my life!  I'm allowed to say that because I lived it.

Let's take a moment to reflect on my twenties.  This blog would not be long enough to cover all of the ridiculous choices I made.  Thank God I didn't marry everyone I thought I loved as I would be world record holder for the most divorces to the biggest losers.  I did date some good guys.  One person told me that his family said I just wasn't marriage material.  WHAT?  I didn't even know what that meant.  I knew it really hurt my feelings.  I was lacking in direction, self control and mostly self esteem.  I just admitted that.  I could get all Dr. Phil and shit and try to pinpoint it  back to some issues with childhood or parenting but I won't point fingers.  I made those choices and I live with them.  I made some friends and sadly I lost some friends due to my choices.  I drank a lot and I wish I would have been a better parent to my son during the first years of his life.  Water under the bridge, right?

As a thirty something now people in their twenties annoy the shit out of me.  Needy women whose sole goal in life is to find the love of their life and focusing on nothing else.  Now I realize this is a very vague generalization but it's my opinion.  Take it or leave it.  I really couldn't care less. They complain about how old they look and wrinkles.  REALLY BITCH? Shut up before I get naked and scar you for the rest of your life.  This is what you have to look forward to in your 30's. Women who post their undying  love for someone they met last week on social media.  Next week dragging themselves back into the harsh reality that it just wasn't meant to be followed by posting something vaguely emo and attention seeking about being sad. If you let it go and it comes back it must be yours to keep.  I'm pretty sure that probably means that they realize that you have no self esteem and a job and will probably continue to pay their cell phone bill if they come back to you. You can't polish a turd.  Those same women who proclaim that chivalry is dead and ask where are all the good guys.  SHUT UP, no really please shut up.  Let's put on our big girl panties and get all Sex and the City and woman up.  Maybe you aren't "marriage material", yet.  You claim to hate drama but cause it publicly at every turn.  Live for you and stop trying to find a man to make you happy.  Men this could apply to you as well.  Ahhh... it's like reading a chapter from the book of my life.  Depressing.  Regardless I hate you now twenty somethings.

Here's what you have to look forward to at some point in your thirties.  The weight from one place on your body shifts to another where it doesn't' belong.  Where in the FUCK did all this gray hair come from? It's multiplying like rabbits and I'm able to do nothing but cry in front of the mirror while realizing how wrinkly and tired my eyes look when I cry. Sigh.   I really can't color it fast enough especially with dark hair.  I used to roll my eyes at women who obsessed with staying out of the sun and using moisturizer on their faces.  I didn't need that, I was young!  Well guess what? Now it takes me an extra 5 to 10 minutes just to prep my face to put on the makeup.  Exfoliate, toner, moisturizer, corrector and I've not even started on the meat of the operation yet.  I  have to have a college degree and a high paying job to afford the expensive ass moisturizer and tighteners that I need to put on my face to compete with my annoying 20 year old counterparts.

Lastly we're approaching middle age. MIDDLE AGE?  When did this happen????  I'm thinking about retirement, savings, IRA's, health care plans, what wine to drink with dinner.  WHO AM I?  What happened to all of the amazing plans I had in my 20's?  That's right..... I wasted those years trying to find a man to make me happy and I planned almost nothing else.  Turns out I just needed to find out who I was and make myself happy instead of trying to find someone else to do it for me.  Luckily as a thirty something I think I have it all figured out, maybe.

THE "S" word:  Skinny

These six letters have caused me so much grief though out my life. If you are like me, and a large percentage of the United States is, you are overweight. Whether you are 12 or 90 being overweight sucks, hard. Your "thin" friends complain about how fat they are and it takes every ounce of strength to not shove a double bacon cheeseburger down their throats even though you know that they have their own issues to deal with. Everyone tells you that you have a "pretty face". The thought of having to wear a bathing suit in public is almost enough to make you jump off a cliff. Skinny is TOXIC.

I am a 34 year old regular person living a regular life in rural Ohio. I'm engaged to be married later this year and I have a wonderful 16 year old son. I'm probably not grammatically correct and I'm OK with that. I'm brutally honest and I curse like a sailor. Cursing is the once vice (besides overeating) that I just haven't been able to give up. My house is often a mess despite the absence of small children, if only I had them to blame. I have battled with my weight and eating healthy since the birth of my son in 1998. Yep you read that correctly. I'm still whining about the 65 pounds I gained during pregnancy 16 years ago. GET OVER IT, right?

I hate, no I abhor the word skinny. Every time I hear a woman use the word skinny I want to throat punch her. However, I am the woman I hate. Thank goodness I can't throat punch myself. I'm the woman who just can't be happy with how I look regardless of how much weight I lose. I hold myself to impossible standards. I pretend like I don't mind that I can eat an entire bag of chips in a single sitting knowing full well that I'll be crying about it the next morning. Nothing fits and even my stretch pants are crying out for me to just STOP IT. I can't achieve the desired "thinness". I wonder why?

This is my journey. You're coming in halfway through. I'm hoping that this will help me realize that I don't need to be "skinny" or "thin". Those of you who have never had to battle any addiction, and food IS an addiction, count yourselves lucky. NO I'm not saying that you bitches have no issues and your life is perfect. I'm just saying that when my daily inner struggle starting when I open my eyes in the morning is what can I eat and when, that's a problem.
 

My name is Jenn and I am addicted to food.

I realized that 2 years ago if I didn't change something in my life that I was going to live a craptastic, overweight, miserable life. I was probably going to succumb to the same health issues that plagues a lot of my family. Diabetes. Heart disease. Cancer. I stopped smoking, stopped drinking and started working out, HARDCORE. No surprise that I burnt out.

Over the last 2 years I've lost approximately 40 pounds (60 if you count the 20 I've gained and re lost - loser). I have SLOWLY learned that there is no quick fix for health.  Moderation in portions, choosing GOOD CLEAN things to put into my body and exercising. I've come to love (yeah right) the workouts. I love the feeling of accomplishment that I get when it's over.
 

I hope that you will stop back often to read about my rants, my struggles, my successes and my thoughts about anything that comes to mind. I also hope that I can have the happy ending and realize that I am eating to live not living to eat.