Wait... I'm in my 30's?  When did that happen?

I know this has probably been written by every other thirty something writer but WHEN did 30 sneak up on me?  I remember being a child and waiting, agonizing over the years until I would be able to drive a car or move out of my parents house.  Long gone are those days. The time has came and went in the blink of an eye just like my mother warned me it would. I look back and wonder what I've really accomplished in my 35 years of life.

I tell my son all the time that if he really wants to miss out on the greatest years of his life to make some children in his twenties.  Some people might think this is not the best parenting advice but I beg to disagree. I personally have no desire to be a grandparent in my thirties or really ever. Before the hating starts hear me out.  Your twenties are supposed to be full of exploring, learning, growing and finding out who you are and what you want our of life, yourself and a partner if you choose to have one.  I still firmly believe that twenty somethings do not have the maturity to really know who they are and what they want out of life. You can not successfully raise a child when you don't even know who you are and what you stand for. Stop getting married after 6 months.  It probably will not work out. I can't even commit to a pair of shoes let alone another human for the rest of my life!  I'm allowed to say that because I lived it.

Let's take a moment to reflect on my twenties.  This blog would not be long enough to cover all of the ridiculous choices I made.  Thank God I didn't marry everyone I thought I loved as I would be world record holder for the most divorces to the biggest losers.  I did date some good guys.  One person told me that his family said I just wasn't marriage material.  WHAT?  I didn't even know what that meant.  I knew it really hurt my feelings.  I was lacking in direction, self control and mostly self esteem.  I just admitted that.  I could get all Dr. Phil and shit and try to pinpoint it  back to some issues with childhood or parenting but I won't point fingers.  I made those choices and I live with them.  I made some friends and sadly I lost some friends due to my choices.  I drank a lot and I wish I would have been a better parent to my son during the first years of his life.  Water under the bridge, right?

As a thirty something now people in their twenties annoy the shit out of me.  Needy women whose sole goal in life is to find the love of their life and focusing on nothing else.  Now I realize this is a very vague generalization but it's my opinion.  Take it or leave it.  I really couldn't care less. They complain about how old they look and wrinkles.  REALLY BITCH? Shut up before I get naked and scar you for the rest of your life.  This is what you have to look forward to in your 30's. Women who post their undying  love for someone they met last week on social media.  Next week dragging themselves back into the harsh reality that it just wasn't meant to be followed by posting something vaguely emo and attention seeking about being sad. If you let it go and it comes back it must be yours to keep.  I'm pretty sure that probably means that they realize that you have no self esteem and a job and will probably continue to pay their cell phone bill if they come back to you. You can't polish a turd.  Those same women who proclaim that chivalry is dead and ask where are all the good guys.  SHUT UP, no really please shut up.  Let's put on our big girl panties and get all Sex and the City and woman up.  Maybe you aren't "marriage material", yet.  You claim to hate drama but cause it publicly at every turn.  Live for you and stop trying to find a man to make you happy.  Men this could apply to you as well.  Ahhh... it's like reading a chapter from the book of my life.  Depressing.  Regardless I hate you now twenty somethings.

Here's what you have to look forward to at some point in your thirties.  The weight from one place on your body shifts to another where it doesn't' belong.  Where in the FUCK did all this gray hair come from? It's multiplying like rabbits and I'm able to do nothing but cry in front of the mirror while realizing how wrinkly and tired my eyes look when I cry. Sigh.   I really can't color it fast enough especially with dark hair.  I used to roll my eyes at women who obsessed with staying out of the sun and using moisturizer on their faces.  I didn't need that, I was young!  Well guess what? Now it takes me an extra 5 to 10 minutes just to prep my face to put on the makeup.  Exfoliate, toner, moisturizer, corrector and I've not even started on the meat of the operation yet.  I  have to have a college degree and a high paying job to afford the expensive ass moisturizer and tighteners that I need to put on my face to compete with my annoying 20 year old counterparts.

Lastly we're approaching middle age. MIDDLE AGE?  When did this happen????  I'm thinking about retirement, savings, IRA's, health care plans, what wine to drink with dinner.  WHO AM I?  What happened to all of the amazing plans I had in my 20's?  That's right..... I wasted those years trying to find a man to make me happy and I planned almost nothing else.  Turns out I just needed to find out who I was and make myself happy instead of trying to find someone else to do it for me.  Luckily as a thirty something I think I have it all figured out, maybe.