I personally like country cooking...sometimes. It really contains too much butter and grease which at this point makes my stomach upset. It's all like "WTF is that??? We don't know so let's just get it out of your body as fast as possible". FYI It takes the elevator to the basement at lightning speed if you know what I mean.
I wish I could classify the food that my parents fed me growing up. It might be considered country. I don't remember too many meals that we ate. I do remember being forced to eat lima beans, creamed spinach, johnny marzetti (slumgolia?) mackerel patties... and Center Pizza. I can still get down with the BEST pizza on the face of the planet.. EVER. (It also makes me sick)
Every morning I'm bombarded by what my sister calls "redneck frekkin
country pot luck recipes". You know what I'm talking about. The recipes where everything comes from a can, has heavy whipping cream, bacon and cheese in it along with enough calories and sodium for 2 days. THOSE recipes. At this point in my culinary evolution I don't even think they taste that good. I, for one, don't enjoy all my food the same texture, thrown together and baked in a casserole dish. Maybe it's because I really enjoy the experience of cooking. It could also be that I really just watch too much Cooking Channel. I make a mess, get out the 300 spices that I have in my cabinet and make food magic happen. That shit IS magical. To have someone eat your food and love it feels great.
Now I'm not bashing my country friends, I'm country. I'm simply saying that your moms recipes and your grandmas recipes are great.... in moderation. Even Paula Dean learned the error of her ways and her own son has a show devoted SOLELY to fixing the butter and fat laden recipes of his mother into healthier versions. It's 2014. There is NO excuse for eating like shit. The internet is a great tool for finding things that you like and being accountable for what you are eating. I know you thought it was only for Candy crushing or whatever everyone is into now but it's not.
The conversation got struck up about cooking and how my sister and I can take the most complex twelve step, 14 ingredient recipe and have it be amazing but can't manage to make a casserole that your friends RAVED about not look like dog food. That's almost a quote. The reason is that I don't get excited about those things. I get excited when I can make food taste good WITHOUT fat and added shit I don't need. Make friends with your spices friends because they need to be part of your arsenal when it comes to cooking. If you only have table salt - which should be ILLEGAL- and pepper you might have a problem.
I know, I know you REALLY need to try the tatertot casserole... NO YOU DON'T. Eat a fucking potato instead and throw in some cruciferous veggies while you are at it. Those fuckers are tasty if you cook them right.......
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree
What a ridiculous saying. It really only should apply to apple trees. Unfortunately it is normally used to describe less than favorable behaviors of a member of someone's family. I personally find that often you do inherit traits of how you were raised but unless you are a total fucking idiot then at some point you realize that you have the ability to get as far away from the tree as possible.
I was going to title this "an open letter to my mother" and that's basically still what it will be. I feel ok posting it because it's about both mental and physical health and I HATE secrets. My whole life everything was a secret. Don't tell. If we don't tell then it isn't real. They tear people up from the inside out. I have enough shit to worry about without keeping secrets.
I'll be hypocritical in saying that we need to live in today because the next few paragraphs I'm going back... way back to childhood. The things that happened in the past are over. They might be great, they might be tragic but when there is an important task at hand we should focus on that.... not the last 20 years. With that being said let's live in the past and think about WHERE people where during those times.
Let's just take a minute to reflect on where, exactly I've been for the last 20 years. Twenty years ago I was 15. In case you don't understand what that means..... it means that I was still depending on my parents to help me become the adult that I needed to be. Call me a bitch but my mom did a less than stellar job on many fronts.
So...... at 15 what was I doing? Several things.... trying to make friends. That was hard since most people knew that my parents were a little crazy. I'm allowed to say that about my family but you better not even let me hear you utter the words. You'll see how crazy I can be. I think that I have the potential to be 100% crazy.... most days I run on about 20%. You're welcome society, you're welcome. One of my friends moms even turned me away after SHE KNEW that my dad had been in a particularly crazy mood that day. I had packed up my bags and asked if I could just stay at their house for a while because I was scared to go home. She said no. Bitch. I know no one wants to get involved in others domestic disputes. I was probably younger than 15.
I was also praying that each day my dad could find the hairbrush or the remote control for fear that he would flip the fuck out and destroy our house like he did when I was about 10 or 11. On the few occasions that my mom left him alone with us this day was really bad. I can't even remember what set him off but he LITERALLY tore the kitchen apart. Cabinet doors, everything in the cabinets piled in a giant heap covering the entire kitchen knee deep. My mom came home, cried and cleaned it up. We BEGGED her to take us to grandmas so that we would be safe. She said she would she even made a video of the damage but later tore the tape up and told us to never mention it. FUCKING REALLY?
At 16 my parents did let me get my drivers license to my surprise. I feel like they TRIED to be parents but they just didn't know how to deal with kids. I wasn't allowed to date and they told me that birth control caused cancer..... Now I'm 34 with a 16 year old son. Math that shit out. I figured that shit out all. on. my. own. That chapter is coming up. I was rebellious. I hated them and probably rightfully so.
At 17... I can't even remember. I worked.... a lot. I realized quickly that working was the way for me to GTFO. I didn't have to be home which meant I didn't have to worry about burning a frozen pizza and having someone freak out like it was the end of the world. I have had a job since the day I turned 16.
Two months before my 18th birthday I got pregnant with my son. I graduated pregnant. I moved out of my house May 7th the day before my 18th birthday. For a while I lived with my baby daddy family but his step dad was disgusting and we eventually got an apartment right after I graduated. When my son was born I had no idea how to be a parent. My mom did help some but I really wanted to limit the amount of time that my son spent with my parents based on my childhood experiences.
I spent the beginning of my 20's fucking my life up in any way you can imagine. I was a terrible parent, I drank, I partied and I had a baby. Sad. I wish I could get those years back with him and appreciate them more but I can't change time. What is the saddest part of all of this is that for the last 20 years I've been learning ON MY OWN how to be an adult. I rarely received help from my family because I didn't ask. I went to college. For the most part I've been pretty self sufficient with a few instances of not so much.
I WANT so bad to realize that they are people and tell myself that it wasn't as bad as I think it was but for some reason lately it's REALLY been on my mind. I think it's my subconscious' way of telling me I need to deal with this shit. My hands are shaking as I'm typing this. I'm not sure if it's because I'm worried about what people will think about me or if they will think I'm nuts for even telling this to the general public. THIS SHIT HAPPEND. I could write an entire super sad book but I won't.
No one lives a perfect life and no one can change the past. I love my parents because they are my parents but sometimes we need to focus on the present. That time is now. I feel like I can hopefully let this go. In an effort to be super hypocritical I've already started a "super awesome childhood memories" blog.
So... my response to where have I been for the last 20 years can be summed up in this paragraph: While my mom allowed my dad to tell me how useless I was, how my shitty mall job would never amount to anything, while my dad choked me on the couch in front of my then toddler son while he CRIED and tried to help me and you STOOD there and did nothing, when you got 2 black eyes from being hit in the face with a fucking bag of candy (I still don't like chocolate to this day) over God knows what, when we got beat with a belt over the dumbest shit, made to stand in the corner forever.... where were you? So for the last 20 years I've been trying to learn all the shit that you were supposed to teach me... like standing up for what I believe in, self respect, confidence, taking care of what's valuable to me and protecting the people that can't protect themselves. So if you ever read this and want to know where I was maybe you should look inward to yourself and wonder where you were.
I hope that my apple, even if it's near the tree, is a good apple (Honeycrisp because those are by far the best apples) regardless of whether the tree is partially rotted or not. I'm a productive member of society, I work and pay taxes, I protect my child, I support him and let him know when he's not on the right path, I love him, I volunteer and I love my friends and would do anything for almost anyone who really needed it. I turned out ok... considering. So don't judge the apple by it's tree.
I was going to title this "an open letter to my mother" and that's basically still what it will be. I feel ok posting it because it's about both mental and physical health and I HATE secrets. My whole life everything was a secret. Don't tell. If we don't tell then it isn't real. They tear people up from the inside out. I have enough shit to worry about without keeping secrets.
I'll be hypocritical in saying that we need to live in today because the next few paragraphs I'm going back... way back to childhood. The things that happened in the past are over. They might be great, they might be tragic but when there is an important task at hand we should focus on that.... not the last 20 years. With that being said let's live in the past and think about WHERE people where during those times.
Let's just take a minute to reflect on where, exactly I've been for the last 20 years. Twenty years ago I was 15. In case you don't understand what that means..... it means that I was still depending on my parents to help me become the adult that I needed to be. Call me a bitch but my mom did a less than stellar job on many fronts.
So...... at 15 what was I doing? Several things.... trying to make friends. That was hard since most people knew that my parents were a little crazy. I'm allowed to say that about my family but you better not even let me hear you utter the words. You'll see how crazy I can be. I think that I have the potential to be 100% crazy.... most days I run on about 20%. You're welcome society, you're welcome. One of my friends moms even turned me away after SHE KNEW that my dad had been in a particularly crazy mood that day. I had packed up my bags and asked if I could just stay at their house for a while because I was scared to go home. She said no. Bitch. I know no one wants to get involved in others domestic disputes. I was probably younger than 15.
I was also praying that each day my dad could find the hairbrush or the remote control for fear that he would flip the fuck out and destroy our house like he did when I was about 10 or 11. On the few occasions that my mom left him alone with us this day was really bad. I can't even remember what set him off but he LITERALLY tore the kitchen apart. Cabinet doors, everything in the cabinets piled in a giant heap covering the entire kitchen knee deep. My mom came home, cried and cleaned it up. We BEGGED her to take us to grandmas so that we would be safe. She said she would she even made a video of the damage but later tore the tape up and told us to never mention it. FUCKING REALLY?
At 16 my parents did let me get my drivers license to my surprise. I feel like they TRIED to be parents but they just didn't know how to deal with kids. I wasn't allowed to date and they told me that birth control caused cancer..... Now I'm 34 with a 16 year old son. Math that shit out. I figured that shit out all. on. my. own. That chapter is coming up. I was rebellious. I hated them and probably rightfully so.
At 17... I can't even remember. I worked.... a lot. I realized quickly that working was the way for me to GTFO. I didn't have to be home which meant I didn't have to worry about burning a frozen pizza and having someone freak out like it was the end of the world. I have had a job since the day I turned 16.
Two months before my 18th birthday I got pregnant with my son. I graduated pregnant. I moved out of my house May 7th the day before my 18th birthday. For a while I lived with my baby daddy family but his step dad was disgusting and we eventually got an apartment right after I graduated. When my son was born I had no idea how to be a parent. My mom did help some but I really wanted to limit the amount of time that my son spent with my parents based on my childhood experiences.
I spent the beginning of my 20's fucking my life up in any way you can imagine. I was a terrible parent, I drank, I partied and I had a baby. Sad. I wish I could get those years back with him and appreciate them more but I can't change time. What is the saddest part of all of this is that for the last 20 years I've been learning ON MY OWN how to be an adult. I rarely received help from my family because I didn't ask. I went to college. For the most part I've been pretty self sufficient with a few instances of not so much.
I WANT so bad to realize that they are people and tell myself that it wasn't as bad as I think it was but for some reason lately it's REALLY been on my mind. I think it's my subconscious' way of telling me I need to deal with this shit. My hands are shaking as I'm typing this. I'm not sure if it's because I'm worried about what people will think about me or if they will think I'm nuts for even telling this to the general public. THIS SHIT HAPPEND. I could write an entire super sad book but I won't.
No one lives a perfect life and no one can change the past. I love my parents because they are my parents but sometimes we need to focus on the present. That time is now. I feel like I can hopefully let this go. In an effort to be super hypocritical I've already started a "super awesome childhood memories" blog.
So... my response to where have I been for the last 20 years can be summed up in this paragraph: While my mom allowed my dad to tell me how useless I was, how my shitty mall job would never amount to anything, while my dad choked me on the couch in front of my then toddler son while he CRIED and tried to help me and you STOOD there and did nothing, when you got 2 black eyes from being hit in the face with a fucking bag of candy (I still don't like chocolate to this day) over God knows what, when we got beat with a belt over the dumbest shit, made to stand in the corner forever.... where were you? So for the last 20 years I've been trying to learn all the shit that you were supposed to teach me... like standing up for what I believe in, self respect, confidence, taking care of what's valuable to me and protecting the people that can't protect themselves. So if you ever read this and want to know where I was maybe you should look inward to yourself and wonder where you were.
I hope that my apple, even if it's near the tree, is a good apple (Honeycrisp because those are by far the best apples) regardless of whether the tree is partially rotted or not. I'm a productive member of society, I work and pay taxes, I protect my child, I support him and let him know when he's not on the right path, I love him, I volunteer and I love my friends and would do anything for almost anyone who really needed it. I turned out ok... considering. So don't judge the apple by it's tree.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
If you buy it you will eat it!
SHIT. Whew glad I got that out first thing. I had these delusions of grandeur that I was strong. I was able to walk past the chips or crackers and not eat them. I realized last week that I'm not. The reason that I'm not eating them is because I'm not keeping them in my house. Sure we have junk like Pringles, cheese, wheat thins..... turns out I'm only immune to those things because I really don't like them much anymore.
I'm considering faking a dairy intolerance so people will stop trying to have lunch with me and offering me food. My sister who IS lactose intolerant (OR IS SHE???) seems to like to throw that out when people are trying to tempt her with fucking delicious shit that isn't good for her. I have pretty much cut out MOST dairy from my diet. I hate milk. It's disgusting and comes from the boob of a cow. I didn't even breast feed my own kid because the thought of it repulsed me. Drinking milk is out of the question. - Side note... my kids is 5'10" and weighs 200lbs.... he did just fine on formula and I need to get some calcium supplements.
I've been caring for a family member. She's OLD. 80. She eats like a garbage disposal. I went into her house and almost went into a diabetic coma by proxy. I've gathered that her diet consists of the following food groups: Fast food, chocolate, potato chips, jello and bacon. That's right folks. The unhealthy apple doesn't fall far from the tree because my mom doesn't eat much better. She's 80 and her back is broken so I figure I'll let her eat whatever she wants. I DARE someone to take my chips out of my hand as an 80 year old woman. I will CUT A BITCH. I don't want to live to see 80 and if that were the case my life is half over. Depressing shit!
I tried to explain to her that I don't eat those foods any more and she doesn't understand. Even as a sick person she wants to take care of people. I'm grown, I can feed myself, I don't need your money and I certainly don't need those fucking delicious nutty bars that I see over there near the caramels, Rollo's and Samoa cookies.....
Just kidding. I FUCKING ATE THEM ALL! I have no will power. This is how it went:
Day 1- WTF is going on here? Why do you have no healthy food? Why can't you move and where is everyone who helps you? (Breakdown occurs)
Day 2 - I got this shit. "You want bacon and eggs, grandma?" 3 pieces for her.... 3 for me... gotta keep it even! I'll feed her whatever she wants and I'll eat this chickpea salad I made.... AAAAND this nutty bar. One won't hurt
Day 3 - FUCK I'm tired. This piece of KFC in her fridge looks all amazing because all I bought was a chicken wrap that I painstakingly made this morning at 5 am so I would have something to eat here so I wouldn't eat the crap at her house. Just kidding you forgot it at work. MMMM CHICKEN
Day 4 - Too lazy to make anything to take. I'll just eat whatever I can find. Translation- Samoa cookies and pizza
Day 5 - JESUS H CHRIST is the junk food multiplying? Where did these fudge cookies come from? Apparently my mom is bringing it in when I'm not there.
Day 6 - Was my day of rest. Someone else in my family went to feed her. I ate pizza... and snacks
Day 7 - Oh it's your birthday and you want to have white cake with icing AND PIZZA? Sure I just had pizza I won't want that. WRONG. I LICKED the icing off the liner and ate directly from the entire cake with a fork. I have no concept of the actual portion size that I ate.... I pretend it was less than it really was and log it in my calorie tracker like a champ. Repeat with the pizza... minus the licking.
Sooooo. For anyone who looks up to me because I'm so inspirational... I'm a hot fucking mess. I did manage to lose 1 lb and I'm not lying about that. The moral of this story is that if you want to live a healthier life like me... just don't keep delicious shit in your house. Keep things in there that you TELL yourself are delicious and that will make do until you are nose to nose with the mother load of delicious crap that you won't allow yourself to buy because you are a weak slave to the processed goodness of a nutty bar.
Forgot to throw this in. Yesterday my boss was convincing me to try this AMAZING "ham salad" that someone in his family made. (It was tasty!) I was certain it had mayonnaise in it- YUCK. I tried it anyway... and could clearly taste bologna. When I asked if it had bologna in it he said yes, he was afraid to tell me because he knew I wouldn't try it. Jokes on you! I LOVE BOLOGNA. THHHEENNN almost as if a sign from God I got these photos from a friend. THIS is why I don't eat bologna. It's me 60lbs heavier and miserable. I'm sitting next to a frog statue which I hate even more than I hate mayonnaise. Frogs are fucking scary!
I'm considering faking a dairy intolerance so people will stop trying to have lunch with me and offering me food. My sister who IS lactose intolerant (OR IS SHE???) seems to like to throw that out when people are trying to tempt her with fucking delicious shit that isn't good for her. I have pretty much cut out MOST dairy from my diet. I hate milk. It's disgusting and comes from the boob of a cow. I didn't even breast feed my own kid because the thought of it repulsed me. Drinking milk is out of the question. - Side note... my kids is 5'10" and weighs 200lbs.... he did just fine on formula and I need to get some calcium supplements.
I've been caring for a family member. She's OLD. 80. She eats like a garbage disposal. I went into her house and almost went into a diabetic coma by proxy. I've gathered that her diet consists of the following food groups: Fast food, chocolate, potato chips, jello and bacon. That's right folks. The unhealthy apple doesn't fall far from the tree because my mom doesn't eat much better. She's 80 and her back is broken so I figure I'll let her eat whatever she wants. I DARE someone to take my chips out of my hand as an 80 year old woman. I will CUT A BITCH. I don't want to live to see 80 and if that were the case my life is half over. Depressing shit!
I tried to explain to her that I don't eat those foods any more and she doesn't understand. Even as a sick person she wants to take care of people. I'm grown, I can feed myself, I don't need your money and I certainly don't need those fucking delicious nutty bars that I see over there near the caramels, Rollo's and Samoa cookies.....
Just kidding. I FUCKING ATE THEM ALL! I have no will power. This is how it went:
Day 1- WTF is going on here? Why do you have no healthy food? Why can't you move and where is everyone who helps you? (Breakdown occurs)
Day 2 - I got this shit. "You want bacon and eggs, grandma?" 3 pieces for her.... 3 for me... gotta keep it even! I'll feed her whatever she wants and I'll eat this chickpea salad I made.... AAAAND this nutty bar. One won't hurt
Day 3 - FUCK I'm tired. This piece of KFC in her fridge looks all amazing because all I bought was a chicken wrap that I painstakingly made this morning at 5 am so I would have something to eat here so I wouldn't eat the crap at her house. Just kidding you forgot it at work. MMMM CHICKEN
Day 4 - Too lazy to make anything to take. I'll just eat whatever I can find. Translation- Samoa cookies and pizza
Day 5 - JESUS H CHRIST is the junk food multiplying? Where did these fudge cookies come from? Apparently my mom is bringing it in when I'm not there.
Day 6 - Was my day of rest. Someone else in my family went to feed her. I ate pizza... and snacks
Day 7 - Oh it's your birthday and you want to have white cake with icing AND PIZZA? Sure I just had pizza I won't want that. WRONG. I LICKED the icing off the liner and ate directly from the entire cake with a fork. I have no concept of the actual portion size that I ate.... I pretend it was less than it really was and log it in my calorie tracker like a champ. Repeat with the pizza... minus the licking.
Sooooo. For anyone who looks up to me because I'm so inspirational... I'm a hot fucking mess. I did manage to lose 1 lb and I'm not lying about that. The moral of this story is that if you want to live a healthier life like me... just don't keep delicious shit in your house. Keep things in there that you TELL yourself are delicious and that will make do until you are nose to nose with the mother load of delicious crap that you won't allow yourself to buy because you are a weak slave to the processed goodness of a nutty bar.
Forgot to throw this in. Yesterday my boss was convincing me to try this AMAZING "ham salad" that someone in his family made. (It was tasty!) I was certain it had mayonnaise in it- YUCK. I tried it anyway... and could clearly taste bologna. When I asked if it had bologna in it he said yes, he was afraid to tell me because he knew I wouldn't try it. Jokes on you! I LOVE BOLOGNA. THHHEENNN almost as if a sign from God I got these photos from a friend. THIS is why I don't eat bologna. It's me 60lbs heavier and miserable. I'm sitting next to a frog statue which I hate even more than I hate mayonnaise. Frogs are fucking scary!
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Breakdown in 3. 2. 1
I haven't written much lately as I haven't been in the mood. I got so concerned taking care of myself and my physical health that I forgot about everyone else in my life and my MENTAL health. I'm feeling pretty crappy. I'm writing this more for myself than anyone else and I probably won't even post that it's up.
My family hasn't been priority for me. I'm not close with my parents due to the incredibly shitty upbringing I had. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all bad but that doesn't make it good either. I turned out kinda ok. I resent my mom for not being as strong as she needed to be to protect and nurture her kids and my dad for being a giant asshole. Not much has changed in 35 years. I have a little better relationship with my parents now but I don't think it's out of forgiveness - I honestly don't think I have the ability in me- it's out of necessity because of my son. I thought I was over it but it turns out I'm not. I keep saying that my dad is a different person and from what I can see he seems to be but it feels like no one can put their own wants aside from the greater good. I don't think that years of therapy can help me heal from that and I don't really want to talk about how shit from my childhood makes me feel anyway. Right now.... I feel miserable.
My grandma has always been there for everyone in our family. She isn't educated, she doesn't drive and she is poor. She loves us with every fiber of her being and as much as I have dreaded this... she's old. I can remember on Saturdays (or maybe it was Sundays) my grandpa would come down in his little red Ford Festiva. We would know he was there because he would always drive past the driveway and then back in on the side where no one ever parked. His car always covered in cigarette tobacco and camel non filter leftovers. Sometimes he would let us clean it and then pay us. He drank coffee and he smelled like old man. He passed away many years ago after a 10+ year go round with Alzheimer's. My grandmother took care of him in their house until he died. He is really the only person that I have been super close with that has passed away.
It was Thanksgiving and I was with my then family. My grandpa had been ill for a long time and was recently moved to a hospital facility. I had planned on going to see him and was so tired from cooking and all of the Thanksgiving things that were going on that I said I would go see him tomorrow. He didn't remember who I was but my family said that day he asked for me. I didn't go and he died that evening. I HATE myself for not going and is a regret that I will take to my grave.
When my son was born, first boy, first great grandchild, my grandma took me and bought anything that I would have needed for him. My family might say that I'm the favorite... or the chosen one. I don't think Mark is held in much less regard. I can't tell you the countless times she bought us food or things that we needed when I was 18 with a baby and making bad choices. She never judged or criticized... she just helped.
Now my grandmother is ill. She can't move about and it's been a year since I've seen her. I didn't go at Christmas. What kind of family member am I? A terrible one. Who do you blame for that, if you were going to place blame? Me? Am I selfish and self centered? Why isn't my own family important enough for me to make time for? I've never been close with my immediate family. They are usually there when I need them but other than that I don't use them as a support system. I'm feeling pretty down on myself and I think I've cried myself to sleep every night for the last 5 days. I can't take back time, if I could there are many things I might do differently. For now I'll just hate myself and hope that I can try to make up for lost time and keep my shit prioritized.
I'm mentally exhausted. I can't make the right choice to save my own life. This is my real life. I have very few secrets and some might say that I put too much out there but it's life. These things happen. I'm a hot mess right now.
My family hasn't been priority for me. I'm not close with my parents due to the incredibly shitty upbringing I had. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all bad but that doesn't make it good either. I turned out kinda ok. I resent my mom for not being as strong as she needed to be to protect and nurture her kids and my dad for being a giant asshole. Not much has changed in 35 years. I have a little better relationship with my parents now but I don't think it's out of forgiveness - I honestly don't think I have the ability in me- it's out of necessity because of my son. I thought I was over it but it turns out I'm not. I keep saying that my dad is a different person and from what I can see he seems to be but it feels like no one can put their own wants aside from the greater good. I don't think that years of therapy can help me heal from that and I don't really want to talk about how shit from my childhood makes me feel anyway. Right now.... I feel miserable.
My grandma has always been there for everyone in our family. She isn't educated, she doesn't drive and she is poor. She loves us with every fiber of her being and as much as I have dreaded this... she's old. I can remember on Saturdays (or maybe it was Sundays) my grandpa would come down in his little red Ford Festiva. We would know he was there because he would always drive past the driveway and then back in on the side where no one ever parked. His car always covered in cigarette tobacco and camel non filter leftovers. Sometimes he would let us clean it and then pay us. He drank coffee and he smelled like old man. He passed away many years ago after a 10+ year go round with Alzheimer's. My grandmother took care of him in their house until he died. He is really the only person that I have been super close with that has passed away.
It was Thanksgiving and I was with my then family. My grandpa had been ill for a long time and was recently moved to a hospital facility. I had planned on going to see him and was so tired from cooking and all of the Thanksgiving things that were going on that I said I would go see him tomorrow. He didn't remember who I was but my family said that day he asked for me. I didn't go and he died that evening. I HATE myself for not going and is a regret that I will take to my grave.
When my son was born, first boy, first great grandchild, my grandma took me and bought anything that I would have needed for him. My family might say that I'm the favorite... or the chosen one. I don't think Mark is held in much less regard. I can't tell you the countless times she bought us food or things that we needed when I was 18 with a baby and making bad choices. She never judged or criticized... she just helped.
Now my grandmother is ill. She can't move about and it's been a year since I've seen her. I didn't go at Christmas. What kind of family member am I? A terrible one. Who do you blame for that, if you were going to place blame? Me? Am I selfish and self centered? Why isn't my own family important enough for me to make time for? I've never been close with my immediate family. They are usually there when I need them but other than that I don't use them as a support system. I'm feeling pretty down on myself and I think I've cried myself to sleep every night for the last 5 days. I can't take back time, if I could there are many things I might do differently. For now I'll just hate myself and hope that I can try to make up for lost time and keep my shit prioritized.
I'm mentally exhausted. I can't make the right choice to save my own life. This is my real life. I have very few secrets and some might say that I put too much out there but it's life. These things happen. I'm a hot mess right now.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Food porn
You know what I'm talking about. I LOVE social media as much as all of you, that's why you are here now. I have something that I've noticed that really has started to grate on my nerves a bit. Not enough that it's an unfriendable offense, but something that I think needs to be addressed. All of the photos and recipes that I see in all of your Facebook feeds of baked cakes, cookies, cheesy casseroles, pies and breads that you are liking and sharing. STOP IT. You know which of you are guilty of this and it's not just one.
I have been known to tell people to surround themselves with good people because you are the company you keep. The same goes with food. If you surround yourself with good food..... you will eat it. Looking at the pictures of the Butterfinger pie that contains enough calories for the entire day will not help you be healthy and it won't help me either. It will just make you want Butterfinger and pie which is ok in moderation but often we are not eating responsibly. Why can't we just go back to eating an Butterfinger? We need to supersize it into an entire pie because that is the American way.... eat more, spend more, weigh more.
But Jenn, you say, I'm not trying to be healthy. Ok I get that. Not everyone is a neurotic food freak like me but I am tired of seeing them in my news feed. I know my battle isn't your problem and no I'm not trying to push my agendas on you, I'm simply trying to help change your way of thinking. If you don't like it you can stop reading now. I'm going to start saying "Eat responsibly" since I've stopped drinking and smoking. You are LITERALLY killing yourself with food.
Look at the ingredients that are on the labels. If you don't have labels on your food then you are probably ok because that means it's something fresh. Research the chemicals that are being put into packaged foods and on some of your fresh foods. The cancers and other health issues they cause are sickening.... literally. I picked up something the other day, A YOGA MAT, just to look at it and the warning label said something about contains a chemical that has been known in California to cause cancer. WHAT?? Why is it on the shelf?
Eating healthy and liking it often takes time. When I first started living on my own at 18 I didn't now how to cook and I hated everything. Clear up into my LATE 20's I wouldn't touch a pepper, onion, lettuce, spices, many condiments, spinach... all of the things that make food taste great. My mom was not, in my opinion, the best cook. She had a very old school approach to making food. Bland, boiled, unseasoned... ick. mackerel patties, tuna noodle casserole were the bane of my existence. As an adult I've come to realize that I'm freaking ALLERGIC to fish. She would boil brussels sprouts and spinach. DISGUSTING. No wonder when I was on my own I ONLY wanted to eat junk food. I had SO many food rules and they were all ridiculous. I guess now I have new food rules but in a more healthy, balanced sort of way. The more you see it and taste it.... the easier it is to break the bad habits and replace them with new good one.
For me seeing a picture of apple pie vs. a super vibrant plate of fruit or greens wins over any day. It wasn't always like that but and some days it's a struggle but the more I remove it from my life the less I miss it. If it's not in my house I won't eat it. If I'm not constantly looking at it I won't crave it. Any time you see something that you like google how to make it healthier. That doesn't mean it will be HEALTHY it just means that there might be ways to make it better for you... and just eat the Butterfinger and don't make the whole pie. You'll thank me for it later.
Let me know.... am on the mark here or way off?
I have been known to tell people to surround themselves with good people because you are the company you keep. The same goes with food. If you surround yourself with good food..... you will eat it. Looking at the pictures of the Butterfinger pie that contains enough calories for the entire day will not help you be healthy and it won't help me either. It will just make you want Butterfinger and pie which is ok in moderation but often we are not eating responsibly. Why can't we just go back to eating an Butterfinger? We need to supersize it into an entire pie because that is the American way.... eat more, spend more, weigh more.
But Jenn, you say, I'm not trying to be healthy. Ok I get that. Not everyone is a neurotic food freak like me but I am tired of seeing them in my news feed. I know my battle isn't your problem and no I'm not trying to push my agendas on you, I'm simply trying to help change your way of thinking. If you don't like it you can stop reading now. I'm going to start saying "Eat responsibly" since I've stopped drinking and smoking. You are LITERALLY killing yourself with food.
Look at the ingredients that are on the labels. If you don't have labels on your food then you are probably ok because that means it's something fresh. Research the chemicals that are being put into packaged foods and on some of your fresh foods. The cancers and other health issues they cause are sickening.... literally. I picked up something the other day, A YOGA MAT, just to look at it and the warning label said something about contains a chemical that has been known in California to cause cancer. WHAT?? Why is it on the shelf?
Eating healthy and liking it often takes time. When I first started living on my own at 18 I didn't now how to cook and I hated everything. Clear up into my LATE 20's I wouldn't touch a pepper, onion, lettuce, spices, many condiments, spinach... all of the things that make food taste great. My mom was not, in my opinion, the best cook. She had a very old school approach to making food. Bland, boiled, unseasoned... ick. mackerel patties, tuna noodle casserole were the bane of my existence. As an adult I've come to realize that I'm freaking ALLERGIC to fish. She would boil brussels sprouts and spinach. DISGUSTING. No wonder when I was on my own I ONLY wanted to eat junk food. I had SO many food rules and they were all ridiculous. I guess now I have new food rules but in a more healthy, balanced sort of way. The more you see it and taste it.... the easier it is to break the bad habits and replace them with new good one.
For me seeing a picture of apple pie vs. a super vibrant plate of fruit or greens wins over any day. It wasn't always like that but and some days it's a struggle but the more I remove it from my life the less I miss it. If it's not in my house I won't eat it. If I'm not constantly looking at it I won't crave it. Any time you see something that you like google how to make it healthier. That doesn't mean it will be HEALTHY it just means that there might be ways to make it better for you... and just eat the Butterfinger and don't make the whole pie. You'll thank me for it later.
Let me know.... am on the mark here or way off?
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
"You're thin enough"
Really? Remind of again where your PhD is from.....
Who says this? Haters.... that's who. People who want to rain on my parade of healthiness. Everyone who has went through weight loss around "frenemies" knows what I'm talking about. It might be your mom or a coworker or a "friend". THOSE people who want to tell you when you have done enough of something.
First of all.... who are you to tell me what I am or am not? I'm not your friend and in reality I don't even like you. Why you ask, because you are a mean person. I'm pretty sure that you can tell by the look of disgust every time you're speaking to me. In my mind I KNOW that you are sizing me up. Looking at me as if I were yours to judge in every aspect from my hair to my shoes. I lived this for several years when several people I worked with felt it necessary to inform me about my health. If I were a toothpick or anorexic maybe I might have a different attitude but clearly from looking at me I am neither. (Sorry I got off on a rant there about something from the past).
The crazy remarks that were made have mostly left my memory along with any stress I had from that place the day I left. I have enough toxic energy inside of myself I don't need anyone else to fuel my fire.
I have to assume that you are the way you are due to some insecurities of your own. Either way.... I'll determine when I'm thin enough. I know you think I look great and I RELISH in the fact that you want to tell me every time you see me however, I'm mostly over it. I hate being the center of attention, which might surprise some of you based on how loudly I talk. That's just how I talk.... I'm loud. I won't feel sorry for you because you are too lazy to put in the work and I won't feel bad for myself for putting myself first. I know ... you have kids and your job is soooo important.
"I just don't have as much free time as you." REALLY BITCH? Because you have spent so much time getting to know me and life. <insert sarcasm> I LOOOOVE it when people say this to me about working out. They assume that because my child is mostly grown that I must have inordinate amounts of free time hanging around. Maybe they just think that I have no life.... who gets to decide what makes my life quality? Is it you with your PhD from IBU... that's I'm a Bitch University in case you've never heard of it... I think it's based is Lucasville..... Your life is not SO important that you can't squeeze in 30 minutes to exercise. MAYBE instead spending the 30 minutes you just did telling me about how you don't have time and that I'm skinny enough you took a walk this might be a different conversation. You have time you just choose not to make it. You should involve your kids even while they are young so that they can develop the habit of health instead of breaking the habit of excuse making. I've posted rants like this before on Facebook about my daily routines. I LITERALLY make EVERY thing that I eat. I bring a lunch bag bigger than most peoples handbags (and I like my handbags like I like my paychecks and penises..... BIG). I cook my breakfast lunch and dinner.... EVERY DAY. AND... newsflash... I work 8 hours outside of my home.
So the next time you want to tell me about how I'm thin enough and it's because I have too much free time.... please spare me. I'm busy making something healthy and delicious (or disgusting depending on the day) for my family and working out.
Who says this? Haters.... that's who. People who want to rain on my parade of healthiness. Everyone who has went through weight loss around "frenemies" knows what I'm talking about. It might be your mom or a coworker or a "friend". THOSE people who want to tell you when you have done enough of something.
First of all.... who are you to tell me what I am or am not? I'm not your friend and in reality I don't even like you. Why you ask, because you are a mean person. I'm pretty sure that you can tell by the look of disgust every time you're speaking to me. In my mind I KNOW that you are sizing me up. Looking at me as if I were yours to judge in every aspect from my hair to my shoes. I lived this for several years when several people I worked with felt it necessary to inform me about my health. If I were a toothpick or anorexic maybe I might have a different attitude but clearly from looking at me I am neither. (Sorry I got off on a rant there about something from the past).
The crazy remarks that were made have mostly left my memory along with any stress I had from that place the day I left. I have enough toxic energy inside of myself I don't need anyone else to fuel my fire.
I have to assume that you are the way you are due to some insecurities of your own. Either way.... I'll determine when I'm thin enough. I know you think I look great and I RELISH in the fact that you want to tell me every time you see me however, I'm mostly over it. I hate being the center of attention, which might surprise some of you based on how loudly I talk. That's just how I talk.... I'm loud. I won't feel sorry for you because you are too lazy to put in the work and I won't feel bad for myself for putting myself first. I know ... you have kids and your job is soooo important.
"I just don't have as much free time as you." REALLY BITCH? Because you have spent so much time getting to know me and life. <insert sarcasm> I LOOOOVE it when people say this to me about working out. They assume that because my child is mostly grown that I must have inordinate amounts of free time hanging around. Maybe they just think that I have no life.... who gets to decide what makes my life quality? Is it you with your PhD from IBU... that's I'm a Bitch University in case you've never heard of it... I think it's based is Lucasville..... Your life is not SO important that you can't squeeze in 30 minutes to exercise. MAYBE instead spending the 30 minutes you just did telling me about how you don't have time and that I'm skinny enough you took a walk this might be a different conversation. You have time you just choose not to make it. You should involve your kids even while they are young so that they can develop the habit of health instead of breaking the habit of excuse making. I've posted rants like this before on Facebook about my daily routines. I LITERALLY make EVERY thing that I eat. I bring a lunch bag bigger than most peoples handbags (and I like my handbags like I like my paychecks and penises..... BIG). I cook my breakfast lunch and dinner.... EVERY DAY. AND... newsflash... I work 8 hours outside of my home.
So the next time you want to tell me about how I'm thin enough and it's because I have too much free time.... please spare me. I'm busy making something healthy and delicious (or disgusting depending on the day) for my family and working out.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Fat shaming
There are so many negative things in this world and we have such a short time on this earth that I really think that people need to just try to be nicer to each other. I've recently rediscovered church; don't worry I'm not going to preach to you or become holier than thou. Though all of the health changes, life changes, mental changes and physical changes I'm really kind of just trying to be a better person in general. It isn't because someone tells me I have to. It is because that's what I feel like I need to do at this point in my life.
I feel like everyone should be accepted or at the least respected. Whether you're gay, black, fat or gay black and fat..... you get the point. People need to stop tearing each other down and start building each other up.
I have publicly subjected myself to scrutiny but posting information about my personal life, my photos and my struggles. When people have negative things to say to me it hurts my feelings but I realize those comments are going to come up. I have a HUGE problem when people are just mean to be mean or to make themselves feel better.
I participate regularly in a team/group sport. There are people of all kinds there each week. There are a lot of nice people there are there are some assholes. Some days I'm the asshole. There is an older woman who really just annoys the shit out of me. She has for 3 years now. Last night she came to ask me how my back was since we weren't there last week. I felt like a total bitch. This woman who is just an older lady doing older lady things who happens to annoy me sought me out and genuinely cared about how I was. What a giant piece of shit I am. As dumb as it sounds I really just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. She's never done anything to me.... I just was annoyed by her presence. I'm sure I have that effect on some people as well.
Then...the straw that broke the camels back... A woman on the other team we played who, by all means, is not a small person. was overheard making a comment about another woman on a difference team. "Is she pregnant or just really fat?" It wasn't said in a questioning manner.... it was HATEFUL. My immediate reaction was to whip around and say something but I didn't for the sake of Joe's sanity. I thought about how that other person would feel if she had heard her say that and I knew that it would hurt her feelings. The other girl is so nice. She is always smiling, friendly....by all standards much nicer than I am on most days we are there.
The moral of all of this is that we need to STOP hating on one another. Everyone is struggling with something. Maybe I'm overweight because of a medical issue, maybe I just like to eat fried chicken and twizzlers or maybe I am just lazy. I might be having issues in my outside life that you aren't aware of. Who knows what's going on in someones life unless you are in it! I'm going to try much harder to follow my own advice and not be so judgy...I know that's not a word. I've said it before and I'll say it again. We need to build each other up not tear each other down.
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